My therapist wants me to start journaling more because he says it might help me calm down my thoughts. I think he might be right. I'm trying everything he tells me to do, because 1) I truly do want to get better, and 2) I want to make my attractive therapist happy. He says I'm showing progress, but I still feel unchanged. Today we talked about how my mom put too much pressure on me growing up when I was younger, and now she is realizing her mistakes and feels guilt-ridden. I shouldn't put all the blame on my mom, but a lot of the way that I am is because of her. It's either her, guys I've dated, friends, or the thoughts in my head. I feel like such a whiny girl. So many people have it way worse than me.And here I am complaining that my mom is too hard on me. Some people don't even have a mom. I am such a shit person. I should be more grateful.

Self Improvement

I've come to the realization that I am becoming cynical and bitter. Instead of feeling happy for my friends when they have success or relationships, I feel resentment and jealousy. I focus on the negative of every situation. I hold grudges and am vengeful. I know this is not healthy and is greatly hindering my progress with treatment for depression/ anxiety.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be eaten alive at 1 a.m. by thoughts about exes, or people who have hurt me.
My medication has settled. My body isn't feeling such a backlash to the pills anymore. With this in mind, I'm not all "sunshine and rainbows" all the time anymore like I was during the first few weeks, but there is a significant improvement in my frequency of panic attacks. I truly believe my generalized anxiety and depression will subside once I change my attitude.
So here are a few steps I'm going to take. They are baby steps and might not make sense, but I think they will help me.
1. Stop being negative on social media.
2. Purge stuff from high school, little girl clothes, pictures, letters, anything from the past that promotes a negative feeling.
3. Spend more time outside
4. Stop biting nails.

Recovery

My name is Mary Kate. I was diagnosed with depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder my sophomore year of college. Over the course of my winter break, I had enough of the negative thoughts and being scared all of the time. I wanted to live life. So, when I returned to school for the next semester, I made a vow to get help.  My school's counseling center has been a blessing. My counselor is wonderful and patient and helps me through everything. She taught me that I can never fully be in control of my life (which sounds kind of bad at first) but I CAN control how I react to things. She's reminded to step back and breathe every once in a while. She told me I need to start appreciating the little moments in my life, so when I start to feel overwhelmed, I can look back on these things and feel better. So, every day this past semester I have added something good that has happened or things to this list. I can look back on these little moments and smile and remember that I am only here for a short while and life is a gift. Without further adieu, here is the list:

care packages from home
good hair days
being complimented on something I did right
nail polish
cute instagram photos
new music
old music
concerts
eating a meal that's really bad for you but it's worth it
eating a meal that's really good for you and satisfying
emails from dad
texts from mom
tweets from Lydia
Ezra Koenig tweets
the chance to see twenty one pilots again
stupid photoshopped valentines
lighting candles
blogging
being appreciated
coffee and tea
poetry class
conversations with Chinchilla Chrissy
sweet tea and french fries
any mixed drink with vodka
the cute dachshund puppy that lives in the penthouse suite
netflix with mom
french silk pie
baking
driving at night
learning songs on ukulele
nice tumblr messages
music festival lineups
sigur ros
having a good day at work
inspiring others
answering a question right in class
cooking with friends
avocados
actually understanding something I studied for
the bookstore having the book I need in supply
big cozy sweaters and leggings
funny snapchats
burning candles
fuzzy pajamas
Fridays
the cozy and relaxing vibe of the counseling office
late night grocery shopping
Flappy Bird
making new desserts
making family dinner
having funny conversations with coworkers
next season of AHS
sore muscles from working out
seeing progress from working out
veggie burgers
friendship road trips to see favorite bands
baking all of the things
oreos and milk/hot chocolate
starbucks dates
chocolate croissants and skinny vanilla lattes
the ability to cheer up my roommates when they are sad
drinking out of my favorite mug
inflatable kiwi
skeleton clique hoodie
epic snapchat videos
"Lookin' for a tasty treat? Mother Nature made us some popsicles!"
looking at people's #tbt's and seeing how much they've grown
cozy nights in with no roommates
favorite youtubers putting up new videos
announcement of tour dates
putting on body butter/lotion after a hot shower
Recovery tag on tumblr
helpful Pinterest pins about organizing for school
Having the top post for Edge
Nazem!!
Ben & Jerry's
getting rid of dem toxic bitches
people coming together when the unthinkable happens
free food
Eat'n Park Smiley cookies
Push Up popsicles
when the eyebrow game is hella strong
burning an entire candle
writing letters
dark chocolate
phone calls from friends
seeing friends succeed
Running errands with Mary
helping people push their car out of a snowbank
anatomy lab, even though it will be the death of me
big, greasy cheeseburgers
free cookies
The Little Mermaid
hanging out with old friends
skyping the family
chocolate cereal
laundry at midnight
getting all of my work done early in the morning
cuddles
getting a good topic to write about for Edge
random encounters with Barbara Townsend in the library
100% on exams
funnel cake fries
LYDIA'S FLORAL TYLER JOSEPH VANS
footie jammies
successful nail art on both the right AND left hands
oreo truffles
finishing a test and feeling semi-confident that you didn't fail
having time to READ
singing valentines
Nazem saying she's seeing progress
Lydia and Mary and Khadija and Megan
red velvet cupcakes
Quoting Billy Madison
Getting 100% on a speech
Mac and cheese bar at the cafe
Rainbow sorbet night
Bunbury music festival lineup
Lydia buying a spare Arctic Monkeys ticket and giving it to me???
floral robes
rainboots and dresses
Coldstone ice cream
Crissy Sibley's snapchats
dinner with Conor Grey
Interviewing Barbara Townsend
Gannon Paranormal Society
Having a popular article for Edge
Getting offered a job from The Knight????
PASSING MY FIRST NEURO EXAM
The return of "Tales From Edge"
LETTING GO OF STUPID CLUBS
Bunbury lineup
Sushi at Morosky
Shamrock shakes
Band crew neck sweatshirts
Fish Frys
Getting help
not being alone
saying "no" to things
homemade lasagna
potted flowers
baked goods from Starbucks
making my parents proud
spring clothes
hearing your favorite records on vinyls
cute boys favoriting your tweets
getting a 101% on OT theory exam (and beating the annoying girl that always brags about her grades)
CUTE BOYS THAT LISTEN TO THE SAME MUSIC AS YOU
A long, busy, productive day
Asking a cute boy to formal and him saying yes
cuddling and Arrested Development
Art museums
New Antlers single
M. H. being a fukkin cutie
Going to Lollapalooza
Dropping out of sorority duties and having people that are still willing to be my friend
Edge management position?
Eat n Park with Michael, Ben, and Matt
cats on instagram
Twenty One Pilots concert in Indy
Friendship road trip
cute boys liking you
kissing cute boys
applesauce
El Toro Loco's margaritas
Starbucks dates and walks in rain
Formal events
slow dancing
holding hands
nighttime walks
kissing and tasting cigarettes
Easter Feaster
Nice weather
being able to use the balcony
wearing dresses
ice cream for dinner
long walks to little creeks
cute text messages
looking really good and knowing you look really, really good
Guest speakers with mental illnesses
Bryan and Matt
being an advocate for positive self care and wellness
Lydia. Just Lydia
relapsing, but realizing it's okay
helping others get help
not cutting anymore
eating 3 meals a day
seeing a change in yourself
the meds working
sleeping through the night
not being nauseous
new friends
Indianapolis road trip
Bagel & Deli
Road trips in general
gas station coffee
Grandpa's Cheesebarn
Driving really fast on a country road and listening to really good music
Miami University
Zoos
Perfect weather
Friends from home meeting friends from school
Seeing my friends succeed and living their dreams
Adult sleepovers
Finally having a positive body image
Being in shows again
Children's theater
High School Musical ukulele tabs
Spooning
Hearing someone telling you you're beautiful
hip bones
clavicles
neck kisses
e.e. cummings
Getting that Edge management position HYFR
Pull n Peel Twizzlers
Frappy Hour
Being free
Writing for "Fastest Kid in School"
Having an easy finals schedule
Acing an exam
New Antlers music
New Lana music
Final exam deliriousness
Hide n Seek in the theater.
Last counseling session of the semester and having the counselor say you have improved so much
Realizing that everyone has issues. You are not alone.
Realizing that bad things happen, but it doesn't mean you have to shut down
Realizing that you deserve every kind of happiness
Realizing that good things are still to come.

Progress

So I've been on Citalopram for almost a month now. I feel great! I don't have nightly headaches anymore, I'm not constantly on edge, I'm not irritable. I feel like I have a lot more control of my life. I'm not sure if it's because of the meds or dropping sorority responsibilities or both. I relapsed once during the month and had a panic attack, due to a personal issue. Other than that, I haven't really been feeling panicky.
I wake up in the morning excited to be alive. I take pride in my appearance. I don't feel like a burden to my friends. I've even started dating again. I don't think I'm a lost cause anymore.
I do have one problem with the medication. It makes my stomach really upset. I've been taking the pills at night right before bed and I still wake up in the middle of the night with a gurgling stomach. Lately, the nausea has stopped, but my sleeping schedule is all messed up so I still wake up in the middle of the night anyway. The first month: A+

I always used to think that by pushing myself to get straight A's, landing that job, or joining that club my parents would be proud of me. Now I know that I made them proud just by taking the first steps to recovery and becoming a whole person again. That is a wonderful feeling.

Anxiety and Depression Meds- Day 1

After feeling hopeless and defeated for a majority of my sophomore year of college, I finally made an appointment with my doctor. He diagnosed me with depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He gave me a workbook to complete, "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook". He also put me on Citalopram to take daily and Xanax to take as needed.
I've decided to document how I'm feeling weekly to see if the medication is making any progress.
Day 1- I felt really nauseous all day. I also yawned a lot. I learned to take the Citalopram at night because it makes me really sleepy. By the second day taking the pill, I kind of already feel happier. I know that can't be possible, but I think just knowing that I did the right thing and got help is making me feel better. Also, I talked to some heads of organizations and requested to be on a Leave of Absence until I feel better again or my next doctor appointment during Easter Break.
I told my roommates to keep an eye on me the next couple of days and to make sure I'm eating. So that's good.
I am very hopeful. I'm glad I did this. I'm worried about my mom. I think she blames herself, especially since my brother is starting to have anxiety problems too. I love my mom so much. I want to get better for her.

Do people know I'm this miserable and they just don't care?

The employees in the cafe even see that I'm visibly broken, but the dozens of people I'm in organizations don't even notice.

I am so alone when I'm at school.

I don't want to talk to my roommates because I feel like I'm a big burden or a raincloud.

This is my Sylvia Plath year.

thoughts while listening to Airborne Toxic Event

I am starting to feel normal again, like I did before everything. Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I got to spend actual quality time with Sean.  We didn't talk about work or school or fraternity stuff or sorority stuff.  We just enjoyed each other. We weren't interrupted by my roommates or anybody else.  We just ate dinner and watched a movie and talked about life. I didn't dump my problems on him.  I treated him like my boyfriend, not like my therapist.  It felt like last year before everything got so heavy.  I felt light and happy.  I feel in love with him again.  I think I finally forgave him for everything that happened.  I'm feeling things again.

Nazem says that even if nobody else approves of our relationship, the only thing that really matters is how happy Sean makes me. I wish people could overlook what happened.  They only hear the bad parts, the parts that travel through the grapevine. I don't think they understand how important he is in my life.  He is the only person I actually listen to when I am freaking out.  He is the one who has seen every ugly part of me and still thinks I am wonderful. He has been so patient throughout everything.  He has never made me feel stupid for worrying about insignificant things. He lays on the floor with me when I can't do anything.  He texts me to make sure I eat. He has held me when I was panicking.  Even though he messed up, he is the only person that makes me feel safe still.

I need to start living for me.  My entire life has been dictated by authority figures.  If I find one thing that truly makes me happy, I need to stay with that thing. I just really wish more people understood that.

Is it weird that I wondered what you were doing today?
Like, were you hanging out with your girlfriend?
Are you still even with your girlfriend?
Part of me thinks it was really immature of me to block you on facebook, but the other part of me is so happy I did.  I like living in a world where I never actually have to face the fact that you forgave yourself and love someone like you said you loved me.
I hope, if you are still with her, you bought her flowers.
I hope you actually learned from our relationship.
I hope you learned to not pressure and belittle women so much.
It's going to be so weird at our high school reunion.
Like, "Oh, here's the guy I lost my virginity to when I was 18. This was the first guy that's ever seen me naked. Hey, what's up?"
I wonder if you think about me still.
Is that weird?

EVERYONE IS SUBTWEETING AND I'M WORRIED THEY'RE SUBTWEETING ABOUT ME.

Thoughts So I Can Sleep At Night

I am a hypocrite because I think I can give people advice, but I can't even help myself.

Counseling every other week isn't working out too well, but if I go every week, I feel annoying or like I have nothing important to say.

Something tells me you're lying to get attention and I really hope that's not true.

I cannot wait until you graduate.

I haven't had a full-blown panic attack since break. I'm due for one.

As much as I hate to admit it, working out IS making me feel a lot better.  Maybe that's why I haven't been panicking.

Even though I'm not experiencing full-on attacks, I still feel unnecessarily anxious and stressed almost constantly.  But isn't this how everyone feels? Am I cured?

Sometimes, I get really sick of gossiping about people because it's making me feel fake and like I'm bringing a lot of toxicity in my life.

I really don't care about anything anymore. The only thing motivating me is my parent's happiness.

I want to hang out with you, but it's late, and I'd rather get sleep.

Am I with you because it's comfortable?

Are you really going to drop your letters?

I'm definitely going to go blind. Literally what is wrong with my eye.

Every time you mention hanging out with her, I feel insanely jealous.  I can't expect you to be alone and miserable when I'm not home, but I still feel like you'll always choose other people over me because that's what you did in high school.

I hate how I can never voice my opinion when I'm here.  I try to stand up for myself or ask for a favor or bring up something you do that's bothering me and I'm walking on eggshells because I'm afraid you'll snap at me and I'll lose my only real close friend here.

I don't think it's normal to miss my mom this much.

I secretly love it when my roommate spends the night at her boyfriend's because I don't have to have that "Are you going to bed? Do you want me to turn the light off? Goodnight" dialogue and I can just do stuff on my own time.

I'm probs going to fail all these exams and speeches fuck

I wish I looked forward to rehearsals and they weren't something I dreaded.

I wish there were more hours in the day.

I lied to my parents about this concert and said a boy was going with us so we'd be protected and I hate myself for it because they do so much for me and I feel like a spoiled little shit.  The one thing I can give them is good grades, and I can't even do that anymore.

I am too young to be this burnt out and unhappy with my life.

WHY DID I TAKE A LEADERSHIP POSITION I REGRET EVERYTHING

I think it's extremely ironic that my career is basically telling people that by doing, you will become happy and add meaning to your life. Meanwhile, I'm doing and doing and doing and doing and doing and my life still lacks meaning and I am still not happy.

this week

I finished the first week of classes.  I was really dreading it, but I actually had a pretty good week.  I took the first step in getting better and made an appointment with the counseling center.  I met with my counselor on Friday.  I have difficulty trying to explain to her what my problems and my goals are.  She gave me a little list of things to do this week: 1. Tell my professors about my panic attacks, 2. Do something for me everyday, 3. Stop caring about what everybody thinks. I also told her about my blog and she thinks it's a good idea to get my fears on paper. I think the one I'm most apprehensive about is telling my professors.  I guess I'm worried they won't take me seriously or think I'm an attention whore.
I'm kind of in a pickle with my love life.  I reconciled things with Sean. We're sort of back together now.  He's the one who kind of really pushed me to go to therapy (besides my parents).  He's the only one who really understands me and is able to calm me down.  He told me he's taking this second chance very seriously.  So far, I believe him.  But I'm worried it will be perfect for a few weeks, and then everything will fall apart like it did last semester.  This is what I'm worried about with a lot of things, actually. Anyway, over break, when I was unsure about things with Sean, I started talking to my guy friend Ted.  My roommate Khadija had a thing with Ted.  She still likes him a lot.  But Ted really likes me.  Not wanting to cause any drama, I told Ted I can't hang out with him because I don't want to wreck things with Khadija.
But I still text him.  And I like hanging out with him and his friend Ethan.  I just like having guy friends, because I haven't really had any.  I know I'm kind of leading Ted on while I'm talking to him, but I did tell him I wasn't interested.  I also know that Khadija knows Ted likes me and we've been talking.  I'm worried she hates me.  I'm also worried that once Ted finds about me and Sean being back together, he'll stop being my friend and I won't be welcome to hang out at his apartment with Ethan anymore.
I met a new friend this week.  Her name is Sarah.  She's a friend of Ethan's. We have speech class together and share a mutual love of books and obscure instruments.  She's probably one of the most interesting people I've ever met.  I'd love to hang out with her more.
Last night, there was a party at Ethan's.  Well, not a party-party. My kind of party. Just the right amount of people, lack of conflict, some food.  I had a nice time.  I know I need to revel in these moments because they are fleeting.  I know things are going to get stressful in the future.  I know things might get bad again.  I'm worried I won't have many nights like this in the future.  I'm worried I will repeat last semester.  Everyone will get busy and caught up in their own lives and I'll lose a support system. It sounds selfish. It IS selfish.
I had a pleasant week.  I haven't had a panic attack since last Saturday at the theater. Now I'm thinking "What if I'm better? What if I'm wasting my counselor's time?"But then I thought if I'm worrying about my lack of worrying, I'm probably not better.  Everything is just at a standstill.  It's just building up, waiting to erupt.  This is why I need to remember the good, for when times get bad.
Moral of the story: stop thinking so much.
ALSO, I started working out.  It's not much, just doing a few workout videos with Mary in our apartment before class.  But I am feeling better so that's a start.  I hope we keep this up.

This past week one of my best friends, Chelsea, came up from Cincinnati  to visit for New Year's Eve.  Chelsea and I first became friends during the summer of 2012 when she was living with my friend Lydia.  The three of us did everything together that summer and it really was one of the happiest times of my high school years.
I don't get to see Chelsea as much because she lives about 5 hours away and we both don't have access to a car.  So it's kind of a big deal whenever we see each other.
I had a lot of fun with her while she was visiting, but the last night before she left was the most memorable.  Lydia, Chelsea and I had a sleepover and watched all kinds of movies.  We ate a big bag of cheesy poufs. We drank cranberry juice. We ate 20 chicken nuggets. We sat and cried and held each other.  It was in that moment I realized I had two spectacular people as friends.  They both have been through so much, and they're seeing me go through a hard time, and they are actually worried and they care.  They said they wished I could see how awesome I am.  They said they will always be there for me.  It didn't feel like the fake "I love you, I'm always available if you want to talk" kind of thing I'm used to.  In that moment I felt so loved.
I'm so scared to go back to school and be away from Lydia and my family.  I'm scared to go back and be ignored.  I'm friends with people at school, but those relationships are completely different from the one I have with Lydia and Chelsea.  They just understand me and I don't feel like a burden to them.  I'm not saying I hate my friends at school, I'm just saying that they're different. Life is busy. Life is hectic.  When I'm home on break, I can really focus on my friendships, which is probably why Lydia and I are so close.  At school, I'm stressed all the time, and so are other people around me, so I put my relationships last.
I just feel so alone. Nobody really understands me.
I realize this is a very high school-ish way to think and I will try to change my ways.  I will try to go out and have fun and not just sit around and mope and I will eat actual meals and wear actual pants.  Because I will stay alive for the sake of these two people.  I will make them proud. I'm somewhere between living for and dying for these two people and I'm still trying to figure out how that works.

new year

I am so relieved to see 2013 go.  The previous year had some high points (Bunbury Music Festival, working at the rec center, meeting twenty one pilots, traveling a lot, becoming best friends with my mom), but it was also filled with a lot of crushing lows and sadness. But a new year brings new promise and a feeling of hope.  With that in mind, I've decided to make some changes for myself:
1. Wear more black and dark lipstick- because life is too short to not look punk rock
2. Finally stop biting my nails.  I'll be 21 this year. It's time.
3. It is okay to have panic attacks.  It is okay to hate yourself sometimes. Realize that these thoughts are all just in your head. You won't actually die or throw up. Not everybody hates you. You have at least 5 people who will always love you no matter how much you fuck up.
4. Take more bubble baths and read more books.
5. Learn ukulele. Impress friends. Form a cover band with Lydia. Become famous
6. Go to more concerts. See twenty one pilots again. Cry when Tyler Joseph plays "Truce".
7. If I don't love it, I won't do it.
That's basically it.  I decided I need to do more stuff for myself.  When I'm in school, I get so caught up in everything and eventually I break down.  This year I'm going to try to do more things that make ME happy.  I've spent 20 years battling myself.  It's time to let things go and start fresh.