Tonight is one of those nights where I just stayed in and thought about everything. I realized that I have a really, really great life. I'm so blessed. I'm at a great school, I have people here that love me unconditionally, there seems to be no inner turmoil in my life so far. I have supportive parents who love me and pay for part of my education. My future career looks promising and rewarding. I have friends who aren't fake and flaky. I have a boyfriend who just makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I write for my school's blog. I have clothes, and water, and food, and friends, and (relatively) good health.
I guess it's just weird that I've been this happy for this long. The only stressful thing in my life is keeping up with school and extracurriculars. If that's the only true "hardship" in my life, I'm pretty thankful. Especially when I think about how unhappy I was last year at this time. I remember crying all the time and worrying about college. I remember coming home from closing at work, collapsing on the couch, and telling my parents "I wish I would die so I wouldn't have to become an adult".
Part of me is worried. It makes me think that something really bad is coming just around the corner, like a looming thunderstorm. I know there will be bumpy spots coming up, but hopefully this brief sunny period in my life will give me ways to cope with it.
I've always had a problem with living in the past-- "ruminating", as my psychopathology book calls it. I can't help but compare last year to this year. I know I've said it once before, but I don't think I've felt true happiness until this year at school. I've tasted little blurbs of it here and there during high school, but never an extended period of time like this. There was always something pulling me down.
I guess I'm writing this as something to look back on when things DO get bad. I want to remember how happy I was during my second semester of college, freshmen year. I want to remember the thrill of sneaking into the theater and playing hide and seek. I want to remember eating Malley's with Mary Stephens and talking about our boyfriends. I want to remember Initiation Night for Phi Sig and how hard I worked to wear those letters. I want to remember how I felt when Sean told me he loved me while he thought I was asleep. I want to store these little moments in a box and pull them out whenever I feel like it's just getting to be too much.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Thoughts While Driving On Lake Road
Over Easter, I had my boyfriend Sean come home with me for a couple of days. We hung out, met the family, saw the sights of the city, the usual.
It's funny, because I somehow ended up at all the same places as I did with my ex-boyfriend. We drove on the same roads, did the same couple-y things. There's this road where I live that drives right on the lake. I would drive up and down the road with Michael all the time; it was like a routine. We would drive to a park and go to the beach. It was on this very same road that I learned that Michael was cheating on me. My friend told me and at first I thought she was joking. I had to pull over into a church parking to stop myself from getting sick. I avoided Lake Road because of that memory.
And now, here I was, on this road with Sean. And I was so happy. I was so happy just driving and listening to music and kissing in between the stoplights. I thought I was happy in all my past relationships. I thought I needed to be exactly what a guy could ever want: a dream girl. I didn't realize how messed up my logic was: I would give everything to a guy, and he would in return treat me like dirt. It didn't even occur to me back then how fucked up that was. But, I was driving on this road with this guy that I haven't even been dating for that long, whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, as crazy as that sounds, and I wasn't wearing and makeup, and I was getting over a cold, and the radio was playing some 90's grunge song, and I. Was. So. Happy. Because. He. Was. There.
And then I started thinking about how funny it all is: how people can affect us so easily. Just because some kid I used to date cheated on me I avoided an entire road. Just because a guy holds my hand while I drive and sings along to the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio I feel like flying. It's just hard to explain.
At this point, I don't really know how to end this shitty ruminating blog post. I just felt like writing because I actually have some alone time in my dorm room. So I guess I'll just leave.
It's funny, because I somehow ended up at all the same places as I did with my ex-boyfriend. We drove on the same roads, did the same couple-y things. There's this road where I live that drives right on the lake. I would drive up and down the road with Michael all the time; it was like a routine. We would drive to a park and go to the beach. It was on this very same road that I learned that Michael was cheating on me. My friend told me and at first I thought she was joking. I had to pull over into a church parking to stop myself from getting sick. I avoided Lake Road because of that memory.
And now, here I was, on this road with Sean. And I was so happy. I was so happy just driving and listening to music and kissing in between the stoplights. I thought I was happy in all my past relationships. I thought I needed to be exactly what a guy could ever want: a dream girl. I didn't realize how messed up my logic was: I would give everything to a guy, and he would in return treat me like dirt. It didn't even occur to me back then how fucked up that was. But, I was driving on this road with this guy that I haven't even been dating for that long, whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, as crazy as that sounds, and I wasn't wearing and makeup, and I was getting over a cold, and the radio was playing some 90's grunge song, and I. Was. So. Happy. Because. He. Was. There.
And then I started thinking about how funny it all is: how people can affect us so easily. Just because some kid I used to date cheated on me I avoided an entire road. Just because a guy holds my hand while I drive and sings along to the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio I feel like flying. It's just hard to explain.
At this point, I don't really know how to end this shitty ruminating blog post. I just felt like writing because I actually have some alone time in my dorm room. So I guess I'll just leave.
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