Thursday, November 7, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
depression
I am depressed. I have major depression disorder. I am not writing this for sympathy or attention. I am writing it because maybe if I admit it, I'll actually get up and do something about it.
I have been in a slump since the beginning of the school year, when I panicked and thought I would have to leave my major due to something careless I did when I was younger. From that point on, anxiety has been taking over my life. I've been worried about everything, especially disappointing my parents again. I started having panic attacks about once a week, typically in class. It would start by the professor saying some kind of trigger word that would cause my heart to start beating really fast, and then I would get sweaty and nauseous. My vision would get blurry and I would start getting fidgety. The symptoms wouldn't go away until I eventually left the classroom.
Finally I was tired of worrying all the time, so my boyfriend convinced me to talk to my adviser and tell him what had happened so he could assure me I could stay in my major. He did, and I thought I would start feeling better. I didn't. Instead of feeling constantly anxious, I felt tired and defeated and I didn't want to do anything. I thought I was just feeling burnout. I had midterms, sorority stuff, theater stuff, work, and a lot of personal issues back home. I thought once I went home for fall break and relaxed a little I would go back to normal. Unfortunately, over break I had 2 exams to study for, crafts to make for my Little, people to visit in the hospital, and my boyfriend came home with me so I had to entertain him. When I came back from school, I was even more unhappy. My anxiety got out of hand. I don't eat anymore. My sleeping patterns are all messed up, I either nap for 6 hours or wake up several times in the middle of the night.. I don't like going out, or going to sorority events with my sisters. I stopped caring about my appearance. I can't motivate myself to study and do work, and even though my grades are slipping, I still can't study. Even things like meeting friends for lunch feels like a burden. All I want to do is sit on the computer. I lash out on my friends and boyfriend, and I'm afraid they're going to leave me. I think everybody hates me all of the time. I don't feel valuable. It just feels like there's no way out. I don't think I've had a day where I don't feel like this since August.
I don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to somebody at school. I'm afraid of people judging me. I'm afraid of even scheduling an appointment with the counseling center. I don't want to tell my parents because they have enough to deal with at home and I'm worried they won't believe me. I can't just turn a switch and change my thinking patterns. I'm hoping if I can at least write down what I'm feeling, I might feel a bit better, but deep down I know the only way I'll get better is if I talk to a professional.
I know this is way different from feeling sad. When I'm sad, I typically feel better in a few days, and I get over it by talking to people, going out, watching movies. I don't want to do any of those things. This feeling hasn't gone away for weeks. It feel like there is a little rain cloud over my head all the time. People are starting to notice I'm not the same, but I blame it on tiredness. This isn't me being an attention-seeking girl. This is me being really scared and hopeless and unhappy.
I have been in a slump since the beginning of the school year, when I panicked and thought I would have to leave my major due to something careless I did when I was younger. From that point on, anxiety has been taking over my life. I've been worried about everything, especially disappointing my parents again. I started having panic attacks about once a week, typically in class. It would start by the professor saying some kind of trigger word that would cause my heart to start beating really fast, and then I would get sweaty and nauseous. My vision would get blurry and I would start getting fidgety. The symptoms wouldn't go away until I eventually left the classroom.
Finally I was tired of worrying all the time, so my boyfriend convinced me to talk to my adviser and tell him what had happened so he could assure me I could stay in my major. He did, and I thought I would start feeling better. I didn't. Instead of feeling constantly anxious, I felt tired and defeated and I didn't want to do anything. I thought I was just feeling burnout. I had midterms, sorority stuff, theater stuff, work, and a lot of personal issues back home. I thought once I went home for fall break and relaxed a little I would go back to normal. Unfortunately, over break I had 2 exams to study for, crafts to make for my Little, people to visit in the hospital, and my boyfriend came home with me so I had to entertain him. When I came back from school, I was even more unhappy. My anxiety got out of hand. I don't eat anymore. My sleeping patterns are all messed up, I either nap for 6 hours or wake up several times in the middle of the night.. I don't like going out, or going to sorority events with my sisters. I stopped caring about my appearance. I can't motivate myself to study and do work, and even though my grades are slipping, I still can't study. Even things like meeting friends for lunch feels like a burden. All I want to do is sit on the computer. I lash out on my friends and boyfriend, and I'm afraid they're going to leave me. I think everybody hates me all of the time. I don't feel valuable. It just feels like there's no way out. I don't think I've had a day where I don't feel like this since August.
I don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to somebody at school. I'm afraid of people judging me. I'm afraid of even scheduling an appointment with the counseling center. I don't want to tell my parents because they have enough to deal with at home and I'm worried they won't believe me. I can't just turn a switch and change my thinking patterns. I'm hoping if I can at least write down what I'm feeling, I might feel a bit better, but deep down I know the only way I'll get better is if I talk to a professional.
I know this is way different from feeling sad. When I'm sad, I typically feel better in a few days, and I get over it by talking to people, going out, watching movies. I don't want to do any of those things. This feeling hasn't gone away for weeks. It feel like there is a little rain cloud over my head all the time. People are starting to notice I'm not the same, but I blame it on tiredness. This isn't me being an attention-seeking girl. This is me being really scared and hopeless and unhappy.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Sean part 2
This past weekend, I had the opportunity to visit my boyfriend in New York. We live about six hours apart, so seeing him involves a lengthy road trip on toll roads and back alley streets through farm country. But it was all so worth it.
Having him there and holding me and kissing me and seeing his face light up when I said his name made me so happy. I got to see his house and his town and meet his friends and family. It made me realize that he had a life before he met me, and although he tells me stories of his shenanigans pre-college, I'll never truly understand the person he was prior to me. I'll never know about his first kiss and the awkwardness he felt. or how he felt moving to upstate New York as a little kid, just like he'll never understand why I dropped out of catholic school or how blissfully happy I was during last summer. I can tell him about it all I want, but he wasn't there with me experiencing it. He won't get it. I guess it's just something weird to think about. I feel close to all my college friends, but I'll never truly understand the experiences that shaped them into the person that they are today.
Sean has this beautiful house. It's all decorated so pretty and he has a pool and his own bathroom and everything. I think my favorite part was waking up and being surrounded by him. I was staying in his room, so the first things I saw when I opened my eyes were little pieces of him. Cute baby photos, a collection of books, tiny bottles of cologne, framed drawings he created when he was a kid. Of course, there was physically him, creeping into the room waking me up and slipping under the covers with me. And then we just lay there in his bed somewhere in that place in between being awake and dreaming. It was perfect. The whole trip was really perfect.
Another great part was driving around town at night. Sean lives kind of in the middle of nowhere, so there aren't many streetlights or spotlights. So when you drive, the sky is so clear. It's dotted with little specks of stars. You could make out constellations. Sean and I laid out in the hammock and pointed out shapes in the stars and clouds. It was, well, perfect.
What I'm trying to say is that I love this kid. He makes me impossibly happy. He does everything he can to make sure we will be okay. He is breaking his back at a tough job making sure he has enough money to come back to school so we will be together. He doesn't make fun of the weird way I cut tomatoes, or how I have to sleep with a pillow over my head. He is the best thing in my life. I'm with him and I know we will be okay and we will be happy for a long time. Thank you so much, Sean, for being wonderfully perfect.
Having him there and holding me and kissing me and seeing his face light up when I said his name made me so happy. I got to see his house and his town and meet his friends and family. It made me realize that he had a life before he met me, and although he tells me stories of his shenanigans pre-college, I'll never truly understand the person he was prior to me. I'll never know about his first kiss and the awkwardness he felt. or how he felt moving to upstate New York as a little kid, just like he'll never understand why I dropped out of catholic school or how blissfully happy I was during last summer. I can tell him about it all I want, but he wasn't there with me experiencing it. He won't get it. I guess it's just something weird to think about. I feel close to all my college friends, but I'll never truly understand the experiences that shaped them into the person that they are today.
Sean has this beautiful house. It's all decorated so pretty and he has a pool and his own bathroom and everything. I think my favorite part was waking up and being surrounded by him. I was staying in his room, so the first things I saw when I opened my eyes were little pieces of him. Cute baby photos, a collection of books, tiny bottles of cologne, framed drawings he created when he was a kid. Of course, there was physically him, creeping into the room waking me up and slipping under the covers with me. And then we just lay there in his bed somewhere in that place in between being awake and dreaming. It was perfect. The whole trip was really perfect.
Another great part was driving around town at night. Sean lives kind of in the middle of nowhere, so there aren't many streetlights or spotlights. So when you drive, the sky is so clear. It's dotted with little specks of stars. You could make out constellations. Sean and I laid out in the hammock and pointed out shapes in the stars and clouds. It was, well, perfect.
What I'm trying to say is that I love this kid. He makes me impossibly happy. He does everything he can to make sure we will be okay. He is breaking his back at a tough job making sure he has enough money to come back to school so we will be together. He doesn't make fun of the weird way I cut tomatoes, or how I have to sleep with a pillow over my head. He is the best thing in my life. I'm with him and I know we will be okay and we will be happy for a long time. Thank you so much, Sean, for being wonderfully perfect.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
End of Year One
Let's be real for a second: my school sucks. It's ridiculously expensive, it's on a lake so it constantly smells like vaginal infection, the professors don't make any sense, we have visitation hours, we virtually have no music program, it snows all the time, there's always an Erieite trying to break into a computer lab; the list can go on.
Let me tell you one redeemable factor about my school: the people. The friends I've met I feel like I've known for a long time. Through the 9 months I've been at school, I've encountered some pretty extraordinary people. I guess one thing about the students that surprised me the most was the diversity. I'm not necessarily talking about race or ethnicity. I'm talking about how my one best friend runs a fitness blog and my other best friend occasionally dresses up as a girl. My one friend had a baby. My other friend is from China. And somehow we all blend together. We all form a unified class; a student body. I look around at everyone at campus event and feel some weird sense of belonging somewhere. We all have different backgrounds, different stories, but we all come together to form something bigger than ourselves. We're going to graduate someday and shove off into the real world, but we'll all say "We're Gannon University's Class of 2016".
I guess this is coming from a feeling of alienation from my high school class. I had friends, but I never fit exactly into one group. I tried too hard for people to like me. Now, I'm in an area where I can be myself, and there are hundreds of people like me. It's something unfamiliar and comforting all at the same time.
The motto of my school is "Believe in the Possibilities". I interpret it as there's always the possibility that there's going to be a snowstorm in April, or an Erieite will break into the library again, or your RA busts you after visitation hours, but as long as you have people that understand you, that you can laugh with, or bitch with, you are always going to be just fine.
Let me tell you one redeemable factor about my school: the people. The friends I've met I feel like I've known for a long time. Through the 9 months I've been at school, I've encountered some pretty extraordinary people. I guess one thing about the students that surprised me the most was the diversity. I'm not necessarily talking about race or ethnicity. I'm talking about how my one best friend runs a fitness blog and my other best friend occasionally dresses up as a girl. My one friend had a baby. My other friend is from China. And somehow we all blend together. We all form a unified class; a student body. I look around at everyone at campus event and feel some weird sense of belonging somewhere. We all have different backgrounds, different stories, but we all come together to form something bigger than ourselves. We're going to graduate someday and shove off into the real world, but we'll all say "We're Gannon University's Class of 2016".
I guess this is coming from a feeling of alienation from my high school class. I had friends, but I never fit exactly into one group. I tried too hard for people to like me. Now, I'm in an area where I can be myself, and there are hundreds of people like me. It's something unfamiliar and comforting all at the same time.
The motto of my school is "Believe in the Possibilities". I interpret it as there's always the possibility that there's going to be a snowstorm in April, or an Erieite will break into the library again, or your RA busts you after visitation hours, but as long as you have people that understand you, that you can laugh with, or bitch with, you are always going to be just fine.
Friday, April 5, 2013
lol happiness
Tonight is one of those nights where I just stayed in and thought about everything. I realized that I have a really, really great life. I'm so blessed. I'm at a great school, I have people here that love me unconditionally, there seems to be no inner turmoil in my life so far. I have supportive parents who love me and pay for part of my education. My future career looks promising and rewarding. I have friends who aren't fake and flaky. I have a boyfriend who just makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I write for my school's blog. I have clothes, and water, and food, and friends, and (relatively) good health.
I guess it's just weird that I've been this happy for this long. The only stressful thing in my life is keeping up with school and extracurriculars. If that's the only true "hardship" in my life, I'm pretty thankful. Especially when I think about how unhappy I was last year at this time. I remember crying all the time and worrying about college. I remember coming home from closing at work, collapsing on the couch, and telling my parents "I wish I would die so I wouldn't have to become an adult".
Part of me is worried. It makes me think that something really bad is coming just around the corner, like a looming thunderstorm. I know there will be bumpy spots coming up, but hopefully this brief sunny period in my life will give me ways to cope with it.
I've always had a problem with living in the past-- "ruminating", as my psychopathology book calls it. I can't help but compare last year to this year. I know I've said it once before, but I don't think I've felt true happiness until this year at school. I've tasted little blurbs of it here and there during high school, but never an extended period of time like this. There was always something pulling me down.
I guess I'm writing this as something to look back on when things DO get bad. I want to remember how happy I was during my second semester of college, freshmen year. I want to remember the thrill of sneaking into the theater and playing hide and seek. I want to remember eating Malley's with Mary Stephens and talking about our boyfriends. I want to remember Initiation Night for Phi Sig and how hard I worked to wear those letters. I want to remember how I felt when Sean told me he loved me while he thought I was asleep. I want to store these little moments in a box and pull them out whenever I feel like it's just getting to be too much.
I guess it's just weird that I've been this happy for this long. The only stressful thing in my life is keeping up with school and extracurriculars. If that's the only true "hardship" in my life, I'm pretty thankful. Especially when I think about how unhappy I was last year at this time. I remember crying all the time and worrying about college. I remember coming home from closing at work, collapsing on the couch, and telling my parents "I wish I would die so I wouldn't have to become an adult".
Part of me is worried. It makes me think that something really bad is coming just around the corner, like a looming thunderstorm. I know there will be bumpy spots coming up, but hopefully this brief sunny period in my life will give me ways to cope with it.
I've always had a problem with living in the past-- "ruminating", as my psychopathology book calls it. I can't help but compare last year to this year. I know I've said it once before, but I don't think I've felt true happiness until this year at school. I've tasted little blurbs of it here and there during high school, but never an extended period of time like this. There was always something pulling me down.
I guess I'm writing this as something to look back on when things DO get bad. I want to remember how happy I was during my second semester of college, freshmen year. I want to remember the thrill of sneaking into the theater and playing hide and seek. I want to remember eating Malley's with Mary Stephens and talking about our boyfriends. I want to remember Initiation Night for Phi Sig and how hard I worked to wear those letters. I want to remember how I felt when Sean told me he loved me while he thought I was asleep. I want to store these little moments in a box and pull them out whenever I feel like it's just getting to be too much.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Thoughts While Driving On Lake Road
Over Easter, I had my boyfriend Sean come home with me for a couple of days. We hung out, met the family, saw the sights of the city, the usual.
It's funny, because I somehow ended up at all the same places as I did with my ex-boyfriend. We drove on the same roads, did the same couple-y things. There's this road where I live that drives right on the lake. I would drive up and down the road with Michael all the time; it was like a routine. We would drive to a park and go to the beach. It was on this very same road that I learned that Michael was cheating on me. My friend told me and at first I thought she was joking. I had to pull over into a church parking to stop myself from getting sick. I avoided Lake Road because of that memory.
And now, here I was, on this road with Sean. And I was so happy. I was so happy just driving and listening to music and kissing in between the stoplights. I thought I was happy in all my past relationships. I thought I needed to be exactly what a guy could ever want: a dream girl. I didn't realize how messed up my logic was: I would give everything to a guy, and he would in return treat me like dirt. It didn't even occur to me back then how fucked up that was. But, I was driving on this road with this guy that I haven't even been dating for that long, whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, as crazy as that sounds, and I wasn't wearing and makeup, and I was getting over a cold, and the radio was playing some 90's grunge song, and I. Was. So. Happy. Because. He. Was. There.
And then I started thinking about how funny it all is: how people can affect us so easily. Just because some kid I used to date cheated on me I avoided an entire road. Just because a guy holds my hand while I drive and sings along to the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio I feel like flying. It's just hard to explain.
At this point, I don't really know how to end this shitty ruminating blog post. I just felt like writing because I actually have some alone time in my dorm room. So I guess I'll just leave.
It's funny, because I somehow ended up at all the same places as I did with my ex-boyfriend. We drove on the same roads, did the same couple-y things. There's this road where I live that drives right on the lake. I would drive up and down the road with Michael all the time; it was like a routine. We would drive to a park and go to the beach. It was on this very same road that I learned that Michael was cheating on me. My friend told me and at first I thought she was joking. I had to pull over into a church parking to stop myself from getting sick. I avoided Lake Road because of that memory.
And now, here I was, on this road with Sean. And I was so happy. I was so happy just driving and listening to music and kissing in between the stoplights. I thought I was happy in all my past relationships. I thought I needed to be exactly what a guy could ever want: a dream girl. I didn't realize how messed up my logic was: I would give everything to a guy, and he would in return treat me like dirt. It didn't even occur to me back then how fucked up that was. But, I was driving on this road with this guy that I haven't even been dating for that long, whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, as crazy as that sounds, and I wasn't wearing and makeup, and I was getting over a cold, and the radio was playing some 90's grunge song, and I. Was. So. Happy. Because. He. Was. There.
And then I started thinking about how funny it all is: how people can affect us so easily. Just because some kid I used to date cheated on me I avoided an entire road. Just because a guy holds my hand while I drive and sings along to the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio I feel like flying. It's just hard to explain.
At this point, I don't really know how to end this shitty ruminating blog post. I just felt like writing because I actually have some alone time in my dorm room. So I guess I'll just leave.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
APO
I've written about this before, but I think I need to emphasize how much I love APO. I'm not a theater major, but I still actively participate in the arts at college because theater and music was a big chunk of what I did in high school. Tomorrow they're giving out bids. I think I'm more excited about this than I was for getting a bid for my sorority.
APO saved me from forgetting who I was. When I came to Gannon, I was completely lost. I was heartbroken, overwhelmed, and doomed to a college experience of monotony. Then, by some miracle, I found myself in Schuster Theatre, huddled on the inside of a washing machine with fake blood running down my legs. Fright Night, Schuster Theatre's Halloween haunted house, was the first night I felt home at Gannon. It's not even because I was performing. It was because I found people scarily similar to myself. People who understood the significance of Sweet Tea and french fries, tumblr, John Green novels, and the phrase "The angels have the phone booth". People who hated people and loved cats. People who had felt lonely and worthless and lost before. Without really knowing it, these people helped me heal.
I finished stage managing my first show a week ago. We had a very close knit cast, and we would often tweet funny things that happened during rehearsal. I think these rehearsals, although I complained about them a lot, were one of my favorite memories of my freshmen year. Being able to just act like a fool and not be judged is such a wonderful feeling.
Next year, I'm living with some APO members as well as Other Mary, a fellow APO pledge and my best friend on campus. I'm so happy I met Other Mary. I wish I could express how similar we are. Whenever we hang out we frequently say "Why are we the same person?" I'm excited to share a living space with her, pledge APO with her, and, most importantly, finally get her watching Doctor Who.
When I came to Gannon, I wasn't expecting a lot of things. I wasn't expecting to join a sorority, Phi Sigma Sigma. I wasn't expecting to meet Sean, someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. And I especially wasn't expecting to meet extraordinary friends in APO.
APO saved me from forgetting who I was. When I came to Gannon, I was completely lost. I was heartbroken, overwhelmed, and doomed to a college experience of monotony. Then, by some miracle, I found myself in Schuster Theatre, huddled on the inside of a washing machine with fake blood running down my legs. Fright Night, Schuster Theatre's Halloween haunted house, was the first night I felt home at Gannon. It's not even because I was performing. It was because I found people scarily similar to myself. People who understood the significance of Sweet Tea and french fries, tumblr, John Green novels, and the phrase "The angels have the phone booth". People who hated people and loved cats. People who had felt lonely and worthless and lost before. Without really knowing it, these people helped me heal.
I finished stage managing my first show a week ago. We had a very close knit cast, and we would often tweet funny things that happened during rehearsal. I think these rehearsals, although I complained about them a lot, were one of my favorite memories of my freshmen year. Being able to just act like a fool and not be judged is such a wonderful feeling.
Next year, I'm living with some APO members as well as Other Mary, a fellow APO pledge and my best friend on campus. I'm so happy I met Other Mary. I wish I could express how similar we are. Whenever we hang out we frequently say "Why are we the same person?" I'm excited to share a living space with her, pledge APO with her, and, most importantly, finally get her watching Doctor Who.
When I came to Gannon, I wasn't expecting a lot of things. I wasn't expecting to join a sorority, Phi Sigma Sigma. I wasn't expecting to meet Sean, someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. And I especially wasn't expecting to meet extraordinary friends in APO.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
No Ship Like Friendship
Have you ever thought you were destined to meet certain people? Like, by some miracle of God the stars aligned and you just got lucky and met really perfect people that love you and get all your weirdness and won't abandon you even when you get stressed out and bitchy?
That's kind of how I feel about my friends.
I like to help out with my school's drama fraternity, Alpha Psi Omega. I started way at the beginning of the year when a friend convinced me to help out with a haunted house that the group was hosting. It. Was. Such. A. Good. Idea. I finally met people who like all the same things as me, have tumblrs, and more importantly, have prime taste in music. For the first time since I came to Gannon, I truly felt at home. And it's not just because we all have this strange addiction to the internet and love of musical theater. I think we all get along so well because we've been through the same stuff. We've all been rejected. We've all felt like we were never good enough. We've all made stupid mistakes. There's this girl, Other Mary, who is literally me in every way possible. Not only do we share the same name, major, and obsession with Joseph Gordon Levitt, but we have the same sense of humor and we've been through similar situations.It's kind of scary how similar we are.
Then there's my friends at home. And by "at home" I mean "I see them during the summer" because one lives six hours away from me, one lives near Chicago, one lives in fucking New Zealand and the other two live back in Ohio.
They are probably the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. They've always been there for me, even when they're dealing with their own issues. These are the girls that understand me better than any therapist ever could. We don't get to see each other much anymore, but when we do get together, it's like we were never apart. I feel incredibly lucky anytime I get to hang out with one of them, even if it's just in the McDonald's parking lot eating a large fry and drinking Sweet Tea. I don't know how we all found each other and formed this weird group of the Six, but I'm so happy it happened.
"And it's been a long time since I've seen all my old friends/ But I really love my new friends/ I feel I've known them a long while"
That's kind of how I feel about my friends.
I like to help out with my school's drama fraternity, Alpha Psi Omega. I started way at the beginning of the year when a friend convinced me to help out with a haunted house that the group was hosting. It. Was. Such. A. Good. Idea. I finally met people who like all the same things as me, have tumblrs, and more importantly, have prime taste in music. For the first time since I came to Gannon, I truly felt at home. And it's not just because we all have this strange addiction to the internet and love of musical theater. I think we all get along so well because we've been through the same stuff. We've all been rejected. We've all felt like we were never good enough. We've all made stupid mistakes. There's this girl, Other Mary, who is literally me in every way possible. Not only do we share the same name, major, and obsession with Joseph Gordon Levitt, but we have the same sense of humor and we've been through similar situations.It's kind of scary how similar we are.
Then there's my friends at home. And by "at home" I mean "I see them during the summer" because one lives six hours away from me, one lives near Chicago, one lives in fucking New Zealand and the other two live back in Ohio.
They are probably the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. They've always been there for me, even when they're dealing with their own issues. These are the girls that understand me better than any therapist ever could. We don't get to see each other much anymore, but when we do get together, it's like we were never apart. I feel incredibly lucky anytime I get to hang out with one of them, even if it's just in the McDonald's parking lot eating a large fry and drinking Sweet Tea. I don't know how we all found each other and formed this weird group of the Six, but I'm so happy it happened.
"And it's been a long time since I've seen all my old friends/ But I really love my new friends/ I feel I've known them a long while"
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Things That Don't Suck
1. Sean is staying with me during spring break so I get to "live" with him for five days. I hope we don't run out of things to do. I hope we don't get sick of each other. Things with him are getting really serious, to the point where 1) my mom is letting him stay over for an extended period of time lol what, and 2) I actually can't imagine my life without him and he makes me happier than any other person on the planet. I'm really excited to hang out with him, just the two of us, during Easter break.
2. I have employment at school yay! I got a job writing for Gannon Edge aka I get PAID to blog asdfghjkkl (so what if it's only 2 hours a week money is money).
3. Sorority new member period is ending soon so I will be less stressed.
4. Fringe show is ending soon so I will be less stressed. Remember when I thought it was a good idea to stage manage a show? hahahahah. no.
5. I'm doing better in school than I thought I was. Still not up to par, but good enough to keep my parents from constantly guilt tripping me about my scholarship and how I'm one B- away from losing it.
6. I have multiple job offers for the summer that don't include fast food restaurants. YES.
So this is finally the high point. Thank God. I've been so stressed lately and feeling anxious about everything. I just have to survive one more stressful week and then I will be free. I got this.
2. I have employment at school yay! I got a job writing for Gannon Edge aka I get PAID to blog asdfghjkkl (so what if it's only 2 hours a week money is money).
3. Sorority new member period is ending soon so I will be less stressed.
4. Fringe show is ending soon so I will be less stressed. Remember when I thought it was a good idea to stage manage a show? hahahahah. no.
5. I'm doing better in school than I thought I was. Still not up to par, but good enough to keep my parents from constantly guilt tripping me about my scholarship and how I'm one B- away from losing it.
6. I have multiple job offers for the summer that don't include fast food restaurants. YES.
So this is finally the high point. Thank God. I've been so stressed lately and feeling anxious about everything. I just have to survive one more stressful week and then I will be free. I got this.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Sean
I could do the typical girlfriend thing and make Sean a heartfelt card for Valentine's Day, OR I could do the bad ass nerdy girlfriend thing and write a blog post about him and make it so the whole world can see how much I care about him. So, yes, obviously I'll do the latter.
Sean and I met way back during first semester, at a party where I was still heartbroken over an ex. And when I am feeling heartbroken, I wear my Heartbreaker bra, some kind of sequined top, and scrounge around for alcohol on a Saturday night. So when I met Sean, needless to say, I was not in the right frame of mind. Neither was he. We met at a frat party, and slowly trickled our way to the campus McDonald's (classy), where we feasted upon fries. We sat on the picnic bench outside and talked about the Pixies, 80's music, that drunk Asian chick who made out with a telephone pole, and our friends. By the end of the night, he tried to stick his tongue down my throat, to which I responded with a "NONONONONONONONONO" and a dash for my residence hall.
The night we met certainly wasn't that romantic, but everything else from that moment on was. We talked constantly, hung out CONSTANTLY, had real talk heart-to-hearts, but didn't want to admit we were dating. Correction: I didn't want to admit we were dating (See above: ex boyfriend). Here's the kicker and the really shocking/ enduring part: Sean waited. He waited for me to get over my douchebag ex. He understood that I didn't want to rush into anything. He never pressured me, never complained. He got me a birthday present, and a card that I keep on my nightstand at home, and we weren't even dating. Eventually, the dreaded Define The Relationship Talk surfaced it's ugly face from the Ocean of Ambiguity (which, also, took place at a party. God dammit. We are classy) and we decided, screw it, let's try this dating thing already. So we decided to become a couple. And it's probably one of the best decisions I've ever made.
He's really great. It's strange being with someone who actually listens to and knows every little thing about you. With Sean everything is different. He's with me on my good days and my bad days. He takes pride in my accomplishments, like getting into Phi Sig. He sends me goodnight texts, even though we just saw each other minutes before we went to bed. He watches stupid Youtube videos with me, and we quote them together. He gets me Doctor Who stuff, even though he has no idea what the fuck he's buying or why I'm so excited when I receive it. He lets me see the video games he's designing. He brings me McFlurries when I'm feeling sick. He kisses my forehead. He wants to adopt a fish together. He shares the blankets. He calls me beautiful. He says he loves me, and it's the first time anyone has told me that and I believe them. There's more, but, unfortunately, I would be writing all night if I had to continue.
So, Seaners, Happy Valentine's Day. I'm making this a link of my tumblr, so I know you'll check it, because you creep on it every other day. I honestly don't know what I would do without you. You're kind of my everything. I love you so much.
Yeeeeeeeeeee,
MK
Sean and I met way back during first semester, at a party where I was still heartbroken over an ex. And when I am feeling heartbroken, I wear my Heartbreaker bra, some kind of sequined top, and scrounge around for alcohol on a Saturday night. So when I met Sean, needless to say, I was not in the right frame of mind. Neither was he. We met at a frat party, and slowly trickled our way to the campus McDonald's (classy), where we feasted upon fries. We sat on the picnic bench outside and talked about the Pixies, 80's music, that drunk Asian chick who made out with a telephone pole, and our friends. By the end of the night, he tried to stick his tongue down my throat, to which I responded with a "NONONONONONONONONO" and a dash for my residence hall.
The night we met certainly wasn't that romantic, but everything else from that moment on was. We talked constantly, hung out CONSTANTLY, had real talk heart-to-hearts, but didn't want to admit we were dating. Correction: I didn't want to admit we were dating (See above: ex boyfriend). Here's the kicker and the really shocking/ enduring part: Sean waited. He waited for me to get over my douchebag ex. He understood that I didn't want to rush into anything. He never pressured me, never complained. He got me a birthday present, and a card that I keep on my nightstand at home, and we weren't even dating. Eventually, the dreaded Define The Relationship Talk surfaced it's ugly face from the Ocean of Ambiguity (which, also, took place at a party. God dammit. We are classy) and we decided, screw it, let's try this dating thing already. So we decided to become a couple. And it's probably one of the best decisions I've ever made.
He's really great. It's strange being with someone who actually listens to and knows every little thing about you. With Sean everything is different. He's with me on my good days and my bad days. He takes pride in my accomplishments, like getting into Phi Sig. He sends me goodnight texts, even though we just saw each other minutes before we went to bed. He watches stupid Youtube videos with me, and we quote them together. He gets me Doctor Who stuff, even though he has no idea what the fuck he's buying or why I'm so excited when I receive it. He lets me see the video games he's designing. He brings me McFlurries when I'm feeling sick. He kisses my forehead. He wants to adopt a fish together. He shares the blankets. He calls me beautiful. He says he loves me, and it's the first time anyone has told me that and I believe them. There's more, but, unfortunately, I would be writing all night if I had to continue.
So, Seaners, Happy Valentine's Day. I'm making this a link of my tumblr, so I know you'll check it, because you creep on it every other day. I honestly don't know what I would do without you. You're kind of my everything. I love you so much.
Yeeeeeeeeeee,
MK
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Sorority Life
I hate girls, dressing up when it's -8 degrees outside, and constantly being judged. So what a better thing for me to go through than SPRING RECRUITMENT RUSH WEEKEND YAAAAAY!
Originally, I had never wanted to go into a sorority. The whole idea seemed dumb to me. You're just paying for friends and shitty vodka mixers, right? At least that's what I thought. Then, I started being excluded and ignored from my group of friends at school. Maybe it's because I don't like going out and getting shitfaced. Maybe it's because I (by some miracle of God) have a boyfriend. For whatever reason, I was being left out and felt lonelier and more depressed than I did at the beginning of the semester.
Then I met the Phi Sigs. THEY'RE. SO. COOL.They're all so different, but they get along. There's Harry Potter fans, lesbians, stoner girls, straightedge girls, fat girls, skinny girls, atheists, Christians, Jews, black, white, Asian, you name it. And they're all so welcoming. I knew from the first night of recruitment that I wanted to be with them.
My days were filled with "I'm Mary Kate. I'm an OT major from Cleveland" and trudging from sorority house to sorority house in heels. But it was SO worth it. By the end of the weekend, I bonded with the girls from Phi Sigma Sigma. I heard some of their stories: how they were lost when they first came to college, how their ex-boyfriends treated them like dirt, how they felt excluded and different from the rest of the school. And that's when it hit me: I belong here. It's not just about friends and t-shirts with Greek letters on them. You are bonded to your sisters because, essentially, they're all like little pieces of you. The more you love them, the more you love yourself. You heal each other. You help each other. And that's what I really want and need
When Phi Sig offered me a bid, I immediately accepted. My hands were shaking as I signed the sheet of paper. I went to Bid Night and felt at home and welcomed by my sisters. I'm just at New Member status for now, but I can already tell this is one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I can't wait until I get to wear my Phi Sigma Sigma letters with pride. It's only been a week since I've joined the sisterhood, and I already feel completely at home.
Until next time...
Originally, I had never wanted to go into a sorority. The whole idea seemed dumb to me. You're just paying for friends and shitty vodka mixers, right? At least that's what I thought. Then, I started being excluded and ignored from my group of friends at school. Maybe it's because I don't like going out and getting shitfaced. Maybe it's because I (by some miracle of God) have a boyfriend. For whatever reason, I was being left out and felt lonelier and more depressed than I did at the beginning of the semester.
Then I met the Phi Sigs. THEY'RE. SO. COOL.They're all so different, but they get along. There's Harry Potter fans, lesbians, stoner girls, straightedge girls, fat girls, skinny girls, atheists, Christians, Jews, black, white, Asian, you name it. And they're all so welcoming. I knew from the first night of recruitment that I wanted to be with them.
My days were filled with "I'm Mary Kate. I'm an OT major from Cleveland" and trudging from sorority house to sorority house in heels. But it was SO worth it. By the end of the weekend, I bonded with the girls from Phi Sigma Sigma. I heard some of their stories: how they were lost when they first came to college, how their ex-boyfriends treated them like dirt, how they felt excluded and different from the rest of the school. And that's when it hit me: I belong here. It's not just about friends and t-shirts with Greek letters on them. You are bonded to your sisters because, essentially, they're all like little pieces of you. The more you love them, the more you love yourself. You heal each other. You help each other. And that's what I really want and need
When Phi Sig offered me a bid, I immediately accepted. My hands were shaking as I signed the sheet of paper. I went to Bid Night and felt at home and welcomed by my sisters. I'm just at New Member status for now, but I can already tell this is one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I can't wait until I get to wear my Phi Sigma Sigma letters with pride. It's only been a week since I've joined the sisterhood, and I already feel completely at home.
Until next time...
Friday, January 11, 2013
Things That Are Freaking Me Out
In which I rant about stupid things so I can sleep better at night....
1. Classes. I'm not excited to go back to stress and general ickiness of school. I feel like I lost all my motivation for school during finals. At least I'm not the complete clueless freshmen and know the buildings that my classes are in this semester. Also, I have no idea when this dumb night lab is and no one else in my major knows. Alright.
2. Social stuff. I have The Sean. I have Other Mary. I have Bryan, and the APO people. I might even pledge a sorority. Why the fuck not? I even have Kaylin, when she's not gallivanting around with her man. The main problem is the girls on my floor. I like them, they're fun, they know where parties are, they have cars. They're just really catty. And gossipy. Like, they talk about each other behind their backs. And then I get paranoid that they're saying shit about me. I really want to have a group of girl friends, I just wish girls weren't so.......girly. This makes no sense when I'm writing it out and I don't actually understand why I'm worried about this.
3. Housing next year. Other Mary said I could live with her and one of her suitemates next year. But what if that fails? What if I have to live with one of the catty girls on my floor? Where the hell am I even going to live next year? I think Other Mary said it was an apartment. I can't afford an apartment! I have $200 in my bank account! How am I supposed to pay for food, and cleaning, and rent and furniture?!? Which brings me to my next problem...
4. Job. So, my junior and senior year of high school I worked at a fast food restaurant. The owner of the restaurant left for a new job right around the time I left for school. I was supposed to work there over break and meet the new owner, but oops, I got mono (I blame The Sean). Now, they've got a NEW new owner, I don't have a reference anymore, and I don't have any money in my bank account. Oh, and all the managers that liked me left too. SOOOO, I thought, maybe time to find a back up job? Looked up summer camp jobs and came down to 3 possibilities: 1) local camp job that I probably won't get even though my brother worked there and I have that whole "lineage" thing, 2) day camp job at the zoo that I am desperately hoping works out, or 3) Away camp job that I could easily obtain, but wouldn't be home all summer, wouldn't be able to see The Sean over summer, wouldn't be able to see friends. But I would be rich. Ugh decisions.
5. I just have this really bad feeling that second semester is going to be bad. Somebody's going to get deathly ill, The Sean will break up with me, Other Mary won't live with me, my physics professor won't speak English. SOMETHING. God, I need to stop worrying.
1. Classes. I'm not excited to go back to stress and general ickiness of school. I feel like I lost all my motivation for school during finals. At least I'm not the complete clueless freshmen and know the buildings that my classes are in this semester. Also, I have no idea when this dumb night lab is and no one else in my major knows. Alright.
2. Social stuff. I have The Sean. I have Other Mary. I have Bryan, and the APO people. I might even pledge a sorority. Why the fuck not? I even have Kaylin, when she's not gallivanting around with her man. The main problem is the girls on my floor. I like them, they're fun, they know where parties are, they have cars. They're just really catty. And gossipy. Like, they talk about each other behind their backs. And then I get paranoid that they're saying shit about me. I really want to have a group of girl friends, I just wish girls weren't so.......girly. This makes no sense when I'm writing it out and I don't actually understand why I'm worried about this.
3. Housing next year. Other Mary said I could live with her and one of her suitemates next year. But what if that fails? What if I have to live with one of the catty girls on my floor? Where the hell am I even going to live next year? I think Other Mary said it was an apartment. I can't afford an apartment! I have $200 in my bank account! How am I supposed to pay for food, and cleaning, and rent and furniture?!? Which brings me to my next problem...
4. Job. So, my junior and senior year of high school I worked at a fast food restaurant. The owner of the restaurant left for a new job right around the time I left for school. I was supposed to work there over break and meet the new owner, but oops, I got mono (I blame The Sean). Now, they've got a NEW new owner, I don't have a reference anymore, and I don't have any money in my bank account. Oh, and all the managers that liked me left too. SOOOO, I thought, maybe time to find a back up job? Looked up summer camp jobs and came down to 3 possibilities: 1) local camp job that I probably won't get even though my brother worked there and I have that whole "lineage" thing, 2) day camp job at the zoo that I am desperately hoping works out, or 3) Away camp job that I could easily obtain, but wouldn't be home all summer, wouldn't be able to see The Sean over summer, wouldn't be able to see friends. But I would be rich. Ugh decisions.
5. I just have this really bad feeling that second semester is going to be bad. Somebody's going to get deathly ill, The Sean will break up with me, Other Mary won't live with me, my physics professor won't speak English. SOMETHING. God, I need to stop worrying.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
I'm A Big Girl Now
A personal resolution I made for myself at the start of 2013 was to start writing again. Being in a science-dominated major, I don't really get to take many English or writing classes, which is something I cherished in high school. I just really like how writing about something is a productive distraction. You're distracting yourself from the outside world and it's problems, but at the same you're creating something that is all your own. I thought, "What better way to begin my 2013 goal than by creating a public blog where I write about my innermost thoughts and strangers can read about them!" And so it began.
A bit about myself: I'm a 19 year old college student beginning to hit that "Oh-shit-I'm-almost-20-is-this-real-life?" moment. I study Occupational Therapy at Gannon University, a college built right smack in the middle of Erie, PA. I met some pretty great people my first semester at Gannon, but I still feel like my friends from home understand me more. I really like cats. I really, really like weird hipster music. Unfortunately, I'm lacking in any interesting crisis as of lately, besides the whole "shit-shit-I-have-an-apartment-next-year-what" ordeal. Don't worry. There is bound to be some sort of thing I'm freaking out about in the near future.
A bit about myself: I'm a 19 year old college student beginning to hit that "Oh-shit-I'm-almost-20-is-this-real-life?" moment. I study Occupational Therapy at Gannon University, a college built right smack in the middle of Erie, PA. I met some pretty great people my first semester at Gannon, but I still feel like my friends from home understand me more. I really like cats. I really, really like weird hipster music. Unfortunately, I'm lacking in any interesting crisis as of lately, besides the whole "shit-shit-I-have-an-apartment-next-year-what" ordeal. Don't worry. There is bound to be some sort of thing I'm freaking out about in the near future.
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