WHY DID I TAKE A LEADERSHIP POSITION I REGRET EVERYTHING

I think it's extremely ironic that my career is basically telling people that by doing, you will become happy and add meaning to your life. Meanwhile, I'm doing and doing and doing and doing and doing and my life still lacks meaning and I am still not happy.

this week

I finished the first week of classes.  I was really dreading it, but I actually had a pretty good week.  I took the first step in getting better and made an appointment with the counseling center.  I met with my counselor on Friday.  I have difficulty trying to explain to her what my problems and my goals are.  She gave me a little list of things to do this week: 1. Tell my professors about my panic attacks, 2. Do something for me everyday, 3. Stop caring about what everybody thinks. I also told her about my blog and she thinks it's a good idea to get my fears on paper. I think the one I'm most apprehensive about is telling my professors.  I guess I'm worried they won't take me seriously or think I'm an attention whore.
I'm kind of in a pickle with my love life.  I reconciled things with Sean. We're sort of back together now.  He's the one who kind of really pushed me to go to therapy (besides my parents).  He's the only one who really understands me and is able to calm me down.  He told me he's taking this second chance very seriously.  So far, I believe him.  But I'm worried it will be perfect for a few weeks, and then everything will fall apart like it did last semester.  This is what I'm worried about with a lot of things, actually. Anyway, over break, when I was unsure about things with Sean, I started talking to my guy friend Ted.  My roommate Khadija had a thing with Ted.  She still likes him a lot.  But Ted really likes me.  Not wanting to cause any drama, I told Ted I can't hang out with him because I don't want to wreck things with Khadija.
But I still text him.  And I like hanging out with him and his friend Ethan.  I just like having guy friends, because I haven't really had any.  I know I'm kind of leading Ted on while I'm talking to him, but I did tell him I wasn't interested.  I also know that Khadija knows Ted likes me and we've been talking.  I'm worried she hates me.  I'm also worried that once Ted finds about me and Sean being back together, he'll stop being my friend and I won't be welcome to hang out at his apartment with Ethan anymore.
I met a new friend this week.  Her name is Sarah.  She's a friend of Ethan's. We have speech class together and share a mutual love of books and obscure instruments.  She's probably one of the most interesting people I've ever met.  I'd love to hang out with her more.
Last night, there was a party at Ethan's.  Well, not a party-party. My kind of party. Just the right amount of people, lack of conflict, some food.  I had a nice time.  I know I need to revel in these moments because they are fleeting.  I know things are going to get stressful in the future.  I know things might get bad again.  I'm worried I won't have many nights like this in the future.  I'm worried I will repeat last semester.  Everyone will get busy and caught up in their own lives and I'll lose a support system. It sounds selfish. It IS selfish.
I had a pleasant week.  I haven't had a panic attack since last Saturday at the theater. Now I'm thinking "What if I'm better? What if I'm wasting my counselor's time?"But then I thought if I'm worrying about my lack of worrying, I'm probably not better.  Everything is just at a standstill.  It's just building up, waiting to erupt.  This is why I need to remember the good, for when times get bad.
Moral of the story: stop thinking so much.
ALSO, I started working out.  It's not much, just doing a few workout videos with Mary in our apartment before class.  But I am feeling better so that's a start.  I hope we keep this up.

This past week one of my best friends, Chelsea, came up from Cincinnati  to visit for New Year's Eve.  Chelsea and I first became friends during the summer of 2012 when she was living with my friend Lydia.  The three of us did everything together that summer and it really was one of the happiest times of my high school years.
I don't get to see Chelsea as much because she lives about 5 hours away and we both don't have access to a car.  So it's kind of a big deal whenever we see each other.
I had a lot of fun with her while she was visiting, but the last night before she left was the most memorable.  Lydia, Chelsea and I had a sleepover and watched all kinds of movies.  We ate a big bag of cheesy poufs. We drank cranberry juice. We ate 20 chicken nuggets. We sat and cried and held each other.  It was in that moment I realized I had two spectacular people as friends.  They both have been through so much, and they're seeing me go through a hard time, and they are actually worried and they care.  They said they wished I could see how awesome I am.  They said they will always be there for me.  It didn't feel like the fake "I love you, I'm always available if you want to talk" kind of thing I'm used to.  In that moment I felt so loved.
I'm so scared to go back to school and be away from Lydia and my family.  I'm scared to go back and be ignored.  I'm friends with people at school, but those relationships are completely different from the one I have with Lydia and Chelsea.  They just understand me and I don't feel like a burden to them.  I'm not saying I hate my friends at school, I'm just saying that they're different. Life is busy. Life is hectic.  When I'm home on break, I can really focus on my friendships, which is probably why Lydia and I are so close.  At school, I'm stressed all the time, and so are other people around me, so I put my relationships last.
I just feel so alone. Nobody really understands me.
I realize this is a very high school-ish way to think and I will try to change my ways.  I will try to go out and have fun and not just sit around and mope and I will eat actual meals and wear actual pants.  Because I will stay alive for the sake of these two people.  I will make them proud. I'm somewhere between living for and dying for these two people and I'm still trying to figure out how that works.

new year

I am so relieved to see 2013 go.  The previous year had some high points (Bunbury Music Festival, working at the rec center, meeting twenty one pilots, traveling a lot, becoming best friends with my mom), but it was also filled with a lot of crushing lows and sadness. But a new year brings new promise and a feeling of hope.  With that in mind, I've decided to make some changes for myself:
1. Wear more black and dark lipstick- because life is too short to not look punk rock
2. Finally stop biting my nails.  I'll be 21 this year. It's time.
3. It is okay to have panic attacks.  It is okay to hate yourself sometimes. Realize that these thoughts are all just in your head. You won't actually die or throw up. Not everybody hates you. You have at least 5 people who will always love you no matter how much you fuck up.
4. Take more bubble baths and read more books.
5. Learn ukulele. Impress friends. Form a cover band with Lydia. Become famous
6. Go to more concerts. See twenty one pilots again. Cry when Tyler Joseph plays "Truce".
7. If I don't love it, I won't do it.
That's basically it.  I decided I need to do more stuff for myself.  When I'm in school, I get so caught up in everything and eventually I break down.  This year I'm going to try to do more things that make ME happy.  I've spent 20 years battling myself.  It's time to let things go and start fresh.

I'M JUST SO SICK OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE AND HAVING A CRISIS EVERY WEEK I JUST WANT QUIET

depression

I am depressed. I have major depression disorder.  I am not writing this for sympathy or attention.  I am writing it because maybe if I admit it, I'll actually get up and do something about it.
I have been in a slump since the beginning of the school year, when I panicked and thought I would have to leave my major due to something careless I did when I was younger.  From that point on, anxiety has been taking over my life.  I've been worried about everything, especially disappointing my parents again.  I started having panic attacks about once a week, typically in class.  It would start by the professor saying some kind of trigger word that would cause my heart to start beating really fast, and then I would get sweaty and nauseous.  My vision would get blurry and I would start getting fidgety.  The symptoms wouldn't go away until I eventually left the classroom.
Finally I was tired of worrying all the time, so my boyfriend convinced me to talk to my adviser and tell him what had happened so he could assure me I could stay in my major.  He did, and I thought I would start feeling better.  I didn't.  Instead of feeling constantly anxious, I felt tired and defeated and I didn't want to do anything.  I thought I was just feeling burnout.  I had midterms, sorority stuff, theater stuff, work, and a lot of personal issues back home.  I thought once I went home for fall break and relaxed a little I would go back to normal.  Unfortunately, over break I had 2 exams to study for, crafts to make for my Little, people to visit in the hospital, and my boyfriend came home with me so I had to entertain him.  When I came back from school, I was even more unhappy.  My anxiety got out of hand.  I don't eat anymore. My sleeping patterns are all messed up, I either nap for 6 hours or wake up several times in the middle of the night.. I don't like going out, or going to sorority events with my sisters.  I stopped caring about my appearance.  I can't motivate myself to study and do work, and even though my grades are slipping, I still can't study.  Even things like meeting friends for lunch feels like a burden.  All I want to do is sit on the computer.  I lash out on my friends and boyfriend, and I'm afraid they're going to leave me.  I think everybody hates me all of the time.  I don't feel valuable.  It just feels like there's no way out.  I don't think I've had a day where I don't feel like this since August.
I don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to somebody at school. I'm afraid of people judging me.  I'm afraid of even scheduling an appointment with the counseling center.  I don't want to tell my parents because they have enough to deal with at home and I'm worried they won't believe me.  I can't just turn a switch and change my thinking patterns.  I'm hoping if I can at least write down what I'm feeling, I might feel a bit better, but deep down I know the only way I'll get better is if I talk to a professional.
I know this is way different from feeling sad.  When I'm sad, I typically feel better in a few days, and I get over it by talking to people, going out, watching movies. I don't want to do any of those things. This feeling hasn't gone away for weeks.  It feel like there is a little rain cloud over my head all the time. People are starting to notice I'm not the same, but I blame it on tiredness.  This isn't me being an attention-seeking girl.  This is me being really scared and hopeless and unhappy.