This past week one of my best friends, Chelsea, came up from Cincinnati  to visit for New Year's Eve.  Chelsea and I first became friends during the summer of 2012 when she was living with my friend Lydia.  The three of us did everything together that summer and it really was one of the happiest times of my high school years.
I don't get to see Chelsea as much because she lives about 5 hours away and we both don't have access to a car.  So it's kind of a big deal whenever we see each other.
I had a lot of fun with her while she was visiting, but the last night before she left was the most memorable.  Lydia, Chelsea and I had a sleepover and watched all kinds of movies.  We ate a big bag of cheesy poufs. We drank cranberry juice. We ate 20 chicken nuggets. We sat and cried and held each other.  It was in that moment I realized I had two spectacular people as friends.  They both have been through so much, and they're seeing me go through a hard time, and they are actually worried and they care.  They said they wished I could see how awesome I am.  They said they will always be there for me.  It didn't feel like the fake "I love you, I'm always available if you want to talk" kind of thing I'm used to.  In that moment I felt so loved.
I'm so scared to go back to school and be away from Lydia and my family.  I'm scared to go back and be ignored.  I'm friends with people at school, but those relationships are completely different from the one I have with Lydia and Chelsea.  They just understand me and I don't feel like a burden to them.  I'm not saying I hate my friends at school, I'm just saying that they're different. Life is busy. Life is hectic.  When I'm home on break, I can really focus on my friendships, which is probably why Lydia and I are so close.  At school, I'm stressed all the time, and so are other people around me, so I put my relationships last.
I just feel so alone. Nobody really understands me.
I realize this is a very high school-ish way to think and I will try to change my ways.  I will try to go out and have fun and not just sit around and mope and I will eat actual meals and wear actual pants.  Because I will stay alive for the sake of these two people.  I will make them proud. I'm somewhere between living for and dying for these two people and I'm still trying to figure out how that works.