this week

I finished the first week of classes.  I was really dreading it, but I actually had a pretty good week.  I took the first step in getting better and made an appointment with the counseling center.  I met with my counselor on Friday.  I have difficulty trying to explain to her what my problems and my goals are.  She gave me a little list of things to do this week: 1. Tell my professors about my panic attacks, 2. Do something for me everyday, 3. Stop caring about what everybody thinks. I also told her about my blog and she thinks it's a good idea to get my fears on paper. I think the one I'm most apprehensive about is telling my professors.  I guess I'm worried they won't take me seriously or think I'm an attention whore.
I'm kind of in a pickle with my love life.  I reconciled things with Sean. We're sort of back together now.  He's the one who kind of really pushed me to go to therapy (besides my parents).  He's the only one who really understands me and is able to calm me down.  He told me he's taking this second chance very seriously.  So far, I believe him.  But I'm worried it will be perfect for a few weeks, and then everything will fall apart like it did last semester.  This is what I'm worried about with a lot of things, actually. Anyway, over break, when I was unsure about things with Sean, I started talking to my guy friend Ted.  My roommate Khadija had a thing with Ted.  She still likes him a lot.  But Ted really likes me.  Not wanting to cause any drama, I told Ted I can't hang out with him because I don't want to wreck things with Khadija.
But I still text him.  And I like hanging out with him and his friend Ethan.  I just like having guy friends, because I haven't really had any.  I know I'm kind of leading Ted on while I'm talking to him, but I did tell him I wasn't interested.  I also know that Khadija knows Ted likes me and we've been talking.  I'm worried she hates me.  I'm also worried that once Ted finds about me and Sean being back together, he'll stop being my friend and I won't be welcome to hang out at his apartment with Ethan anymore.
I met a new friend this week.  Her name is Sarah.  She's a friend of Ethan's. We have speech class together and share a mutual love of books and obscure instruments.  She's probably one of the most interesting people I've ever met.  I'd love to hang out with her more.
Last night, there was a party at Ethan's.  Well, not a party-party. My kind of party. Just the right amount of people, lack of conflict, some food.  I had a nice time.  I know I need to revel in these moments because they are fleeting.  I know things are going to get stressful in the future.  I know things might get bad again.  I'm worried I won't have many nights like this in the future.  I'm worried I will repeat last semester.  Everyone will get busy and caught up in their own lives and I'll lose a support system. It sounds selfish. It IS selfish.
I had a pleasant week.  I haven't had a panic attack since last Saturday at the theater. Now I'm thinking "What if I'm better? What if I'm wasting my counselor's time?"But then I thought if I'm worrying about my lack of worrying, I'm probably not better.  Everything is just at a standstill.  It's just building up, waiting to erupt.  This is why I need to remember the good, for when times get bad.
Moral of the story: stop thinking so much.
ALSO, I started working out.  It's not much, just doing a few workout videos with Mary in our apartment before class.  But I am feeling better so that's a start.  I hope we keep this up.