I always used to think that by pushing myself to get straight A's, landing that job, or joining that club my parents would be proud of me. Now I know that I made them proud just by taking the first steps to recovery and becoming a whole person again. That is a wonderful feeling.

Anxiety and Depression Meds- Day 1

After feeling hopeless and defeated for a majority of my sophomore year of college, I finally made an appointment with my doctor. He diagnosed me with depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He gave me a workbook to complete, "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook". He also put me on Citalopram to take daily and Xanax to take as needed.
I've decided to document how I'm feeling weekly to see if the medication is making any progress.
Day 1- I felt really nauseous all day. I also yawned a lot. I learned to take the Citalopram at night because it makes me really sleepy. By the second day taking the pill, I kind of already feel happier. I know that can't be possible, but I think just knowing that I did the right thing and got help is making me feel better. Also, I talked to some heads of organizations and requested to be on a Leave of Absence until I feel better again or my next doctor appointment during Easter Break.
I told my roommates to keep an eye on me the next couple of days and to make sure I'm eating. So that's good.
I am very hopeful. I'm glad I did this. I'm worried about my mom. I think she blames herself, especially since my brother is starting to have anxiety problems too. I love my mom so much. I want to get better for her.

Do people know I'm this miserable and they just don't care?

The employees in the cafe even see that I'm visibly broken, but the dozens of people I'm in organizations don't even notice.

I am so alone when I'm at school.

I don't want to talk to my roommates because I feel like I'm a big burden or a raincloud.

This is my Sylvia Plath year.

thoughts while listening to Airborne Toxic Event

I am starting to feel normal again, like I did before everything. Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I got to spend actual quality time with Sean.  We didn't talk about work or school or fraternity stuff or sorority stuff.  We just enjoyed each other. We weren't interrupted by my roommates or anybody else.  We just ate dinner and watched a movie and talked about life. I didn't dump my problems on him.  I treated him like my boyfriend, not like my therapist.  It felt like last year before everything got so heavy.  I felt light and happy.  I feel in love with him again.  I think I finally forgave him for everything that happened.  I'm feeling things again.

Nazem says that even if nobody else approves of our relationship, the only thing that really matters is how happy Sean makes me. I wish people could overlook what happened.  They only hear the bad parts, the parts that travel through the grapevine. I don't think they understand how important he is in my life.  He is the only person I actually listen to when I am freaking out.  He is the one who has seen every ugly part of me and still thinks I am wonderful. He has been so patient throughout everything.  He has never made me feel stupid for worrying about insignificant things. He lays on the floor with me when I can't do anything.  He texts me to make sure I eat. He has held me when I was panicking.  Even though he messed up, he is the only person that makes me feel safe still.

I need to start living for me.  My entire life has been dictated by authority figures.  If I find one thing that truly makes me happy, I need to stay with that thing. I just really wish more people understood that.

Is it weird that I wondered what you were doing today?
Like, were you hanging out with your girlfriend?
Are you still even with your girlfriend?
Part of me thinks it was really immature of me to block you on facebook, but the other part of me is so happy I did.  I like living in a world where I never actually have to face the fact that you forgave yourself and love someone like you said you loved me.
I hope, if you are still with her, you bought her flowers.
I hope you actually learned from our relationship.
I hope you learned to not pressure and belittle women so much.
It's going to be so weird at our high school reunion.
Like, "Oh, here's the guy I lost my virginity to when I was 18. This was the first guy that's ever seen me naked. Hey, what's up?"
I wonder if you think about me still.
Is that weird?

EVERYONE IS SUBTWEETING AND I'M WORRIED THEY'RE SUBTWEETING ABOUT ME.

Thoughts So I Can Sleep At Night

I am a hypocrite because I think I can give people advice, but I can't even help myself.

Counseling every other week isn't working out too well, but if I go every week, I feel annoying or like I have nothing important to say.

Something tells me you're lying to get attention and I really hope that's not true.

I cannot wait until you graduate.

I haven't had a full-blown panic attack since break. I'm due for one.

As much as I hate to admit it, working out IS making me feel a lot better.  Maybe that's why I haven't been panicking.

Even though I'm not experiencing full-on attacks, I still feel unnecessarily anxious and stressed almost constantly.  But isn't this how everyone feels? Am I cured?

Sometimes, I get really sick of gossiping about people because it's making me feel fake and like I'm bringing a lot of toxicity in my life.

I really don't care about anything anymore. The only thing motivating me is my parent's happiness.

I want to hang out with you, but it's late, and I'd rather get sleep.

Am I with you because it's comfortable?

Are you really going to drop your letters?

I'm definitely going to go blind. Literally what is wrong with my eye.

Every time you mention hanging out with her, I feel insanely jealous.  I can't expect you to be alone and miserable when I'm not home, but I still feel like you'll always choose other people over me because that's what you did in high school.

I hate how I can never voice my opinion when I'm here.  I try to stand up for myself or ask for a favor or bring up something you do that's bothering me and I'm walking on eggshells because I'm afraid you'll snap at me and I'll lose my only real close friend here.

I don't think it's normal to miss my mom this much.

I secretly love it when my roommate spends the night at her boyfriend's because I don't have to have that "Are you going to bed? Do you want me to turn the light off? Goodnight" dialogue and I can just do stuff on my own time.

I'm probs going to fail all these exams and speeches fuck

I wish I looked forward to rehearsals and they weren't something I dreaded.

I wish there were more hours in the day.

I lied to my parents about this concert and said a boy was going with us so we'd be protected and I hate myself for it because they do so much for me and I feel like a spoiled little shit.  The one thing I can give them is good grades, and I can't even do that anymore.

I am too young to be this burnt out and unhappy with my life.