Thursday, November 7, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
depression
I am depressed. I have major depression disorder. I am not writing this for sympathy or attention. I am writing it because maybe if I admit it, I'll actually get up and do something about it.
I have been in a slump since the beginning of the school year, when I panicked and thought I would have to leave my major due to something careless I did when I was younger. From that point on, anxiety has been taking over my life. I've been worried about everything, especially disappointing my parents again. I started having panic attacks about once a week, typically in class. It would start by the professor saying some kind of trigger word that would cause my heart to start beating really fast, and then I would get sweaty and nauseous. My vision would get blurry and I would start getting fidgety. The symptoms wouldn't go away until I eventually left the classroom.
Finally I was tired of worrying all the time, so my boyfriend convinced me to talk to my adviser and tell him what had happened so he could assure me I could stay in my major. He did, and I thought I would start feeling better. I didn't. Instead of feeling constantly anxious, I felt tired and defeated and I didn't want to do anything. I thought I was just feeling burnout. I had midterms, sorority stuff, theater stuff, work, and a lot of personal issues back home. I thought once I went home for fall break and relaxed a little I would go back to normal. Unfortunately, over break I had 2 exams to study for, crafts to make for my Little, people to visit in the hospital, and my boyfriend came home with me so I had to entertain him. When I came back from school, I was even more unhappy. My anxiety got out of hand. I don't eat anymore. My sleeping patterns are all messed up, I either nap for 6 hours or wake up several times in the middle of the night.. I don't like going out, or going to sorority events with my sisters. I stopped caring about my appearance. I can't motivate myself to study and do work, and even though my grades are slipping, I still can't study. Even things like meeting friends for lunch feels like a burden. All I want to do is sit on the computer. I lash out on my friends and boyfriend, and I'm afraid they're going to leave me. I think everybody hates me all of the time. I don't feel valuable. It just feels like there's no way out. I don't think I've had a day where I don't feel like this since August.
I don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to somebody at school. I'm afraid of people judging me. I'm afraid of even scheduling an appointment with the counseling center. I don't want to tell my parents because they have enough to deal with at home and I'm worried they won't believe me. I can't just turn a switch and change my thinking patterns. I'm hoping if I can at least write down what I'm feeling, I might feel a bit better, but deep down I know the only way I'll get better is if I talk to a professional.
I know this is way different from feeling sad. When I'm sad, I typically feel better in a few days, and I get over it by talking to people, going out, watching movies. I don't want to do any of those things. This feeling hasn't gone away for weeks. It feel like there is a little rain cloud over my head all the time. People are starting to notice I'm not the same, but I blame it on tiredness. This isn't me being an attention-seeking girl. This is me being really scared and hopeless and unhappy.
I have been in a slump since the beginning of the school year, when I panicked and thought I would have to leave my major due to something careless I did when I was younger. From that point on, anxiety has been taking over my life. I've been worried about everything, especially disappointing my parents again. I started having panic attacks about once a week, typically in class. It would start by the professor saying some kind of trigger word that would cause my heart to start beating really fast, and then I would get sweaty and nauseous. My vision would get blurry and I would start getting fidgety. The symptoms wouldn't go away until I eventually left the classroom.
Finally I was tired of worrying all the time, so my boyfriend convinced me to talk to my adviser and tell him what had happened so he could assure me I could stay in my major. He did, and I thought I would start feeling better. I didn't. Instead of feeling constantly anxious, I felt tired and defeated and I didn't want to do anything. I thought I was just feeling burnout. I had midterms, sorority stuff, theater stuff, work, and a lot of personal issues back home. I thought once I went home for fall break and relaxed a little I would go back to normal. Unfortunately, over break I had 2 exams to study for, crafts to make for my Little, people to visit in the hospital, and my boyfriend came home with me so I had to entertain him. When I came back from school, I was even more unhappy. My anxiety got out of hand. I don't eat anymore. My sleeping patterns are all messed up, I either nap for 6 hours or wake up several times in the middle of the night.. I don't like going out, or going to sorority events with my sisters. I stopped caring about my appearance. I can't motivate myself to study and do work, and even though my grades are slipping, I still can't study. Even things like meeting friends for lunch feels like a burden. All I want to do is sit on the computer. I lash out on my friends and boyfriend, and I'm afraid they're going to leave me. I think everybody hates me all of the time. I don't feel valuable. It just feels like there's no way out. I don't think I've had a day where I don't feel like this since August.
I don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to somebody at school. I'm afraid of people judging me. I'm afraid of even scheduling an appointment with the counseling center. I don't want to tell my parents because they have enough to deal with at home and I'm worried they won't believe me. I can't just turn a switch and change my thinking patterns. I'm hoping if I can at least write down what I'm feeling, I might feel a bit better, but deep down I know the only way I'll get better is if I talk to a professional.
I know this is way different from feeling sad. When I'm sad, I typically feel better in a few days, and I get over it by talking to people, going out, watching movies. I don't want to do any of those things. This feeling hasn't gone away for weeks. It feel like there is a little rain cloud over my head all the time. People are starting to notice I'm not the same, but I blame it on tiredness. This isn't me being an attention-seeking girl. This is me being really scared and hopeless and unhappy.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Sean part 2
This past weekend, I had the opportunity to visit my boyfriend in New York. We live about six hours apart, so seeing him involves a lengthy road trip on toll roads and back alley streets through farm country. But it was all so worth it.
Having him there and holding me and kissing me and seeing his face light up when I said his name made me so happy. I got to see his house and his town and meet his friends and family. It made me realize that he had a life before he met me, and although he tells me stories of his shenanigans pre-college, I'll never truly understand the person he was prior to me. I'll never know about his first kiss and the awkwardness he felt. or how he felt moving to upstate New York as a little kid, just like he'll never understand why I dropped out of catholic school or how blissfully happy I was during last summer. I can tell him about it all I want, but he wasn't there with me experiencing it. He won't get it. I guess it's just something weird to think about. I feel close to all my college friends, but I'll never truly understand the experiences that shaped them into the person that they are today.
Sean has this beautiful house. It's all decorated so pretty and he has a pool and his own bathroom and everything. I think my favorite part was waking up and being surrounded by him. I was staying in his room, so the first things I saw when I opened my eyes were little pieces of him. Cute baby photos, a collection of books, tiny bottles of cologne, framed drawings he created when he was a kid. Of course, there was physically him, creeping into the room waking me up and slipping under the covers with me. And then we just lay there in his bed somewhere in that place in between being awake and dreaming. It was perfect. The whole trip was really perfect.
Another great part was driving around town at night. Sean lives kind of in the middle of nowhere, so there aren't many streetlights or spotlights. So when you drive, the sky is so clear. It's dotted with little specks of stars. You could make out constellations. Sean and I laid out in the hammock and pointed out shapes in the stars and clouds. It was, well, perfect.
What I'm trying to say is that I love this kid. He makes me impossibly happy. He does everything he can to make sure we will be okay. He is breaking his back at a tough job making sure he has enough money to come back to school so we will be together. He doesn't make fun of the weird way I cut tomatoes, or how I have to sleep with a pillow over my head. He is the best thing in my life. I'm with him and I know we will be okay and we will be happy for a long time. Thank you so much, Sean, for being wonderfully perfect.
Having him there and holding me and kissing me and seeing his face light up when I said his name made me so happy. I got to see his house and his town and meet his friends and family. It made me realize that he had a life before he met me, and although he tells me stories of his shenanigans pre-college, I'll never truly understand the person he was prior to me. I'll never know about his first kiss and the awkwardness he felt. or how he felt moving to upstate New York as a little kid, just like he'll never understand why I dropped out of catholic school or how blissfully happy I was during last summer. I can tell him about it all I want, but he wasn't there with me experiencing it. He won't get it. I guess it's just something weird to think about. I feel close to all my college friends, but I'll never truly understand the experiences that shaped them into the person that they are today.
Sean has this beautiful house. It's all decorated so pretty and he has a pool and his own bathroom and everything. I think my favorite part was waking up and being surrounded by him. I was staying in his room, so the first things I saw when I opened my eyes were little pieces of him. Cute baby photos, a collection of books, tiny bottles of cologne, framed drawings he created when he was a kid. Of course, there was physically him, creeping into the room waking me up and slipping under the covers with me. And then we just lay there in his bed somewhere in that place in between being awake and dreaming. It was perfect. The whole trip was really perfect.
Another great part was driving around town at night. Sean lives kind of in the middle of nowhere, so there aren't many streetlights or spotlights. So when you drive, the sky is so clear. It's dotted with little specks of stars. You could make out constellations. Sean and I laid out in the hammock and pointed out shapes in the stars and clouds. It was, well, perfect.
What I'm trying to say is that I love this kid. He makes me impossibly happy. He does everything he can to make sure we will be okay. He is breaking his back at a tough job making sure he has enough money to come back to school so we will be together. He doesn't make fun of the weird way I cut tomatoes, or how I have to sleep with a pillow over my head. He is the best thing in my life. I'm with him and I know we will be okay and we will be happy for a long time. Thank you so much, Sean, for being wonderfully perfect.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
End of Year One
Let's be real for a second: my school sucks. It's ridiculously expensive, it's on a lake so it constantly smells like vaginal infection, the professors don't make any sense, we have visitation hours, we virtually have no music program, it snows all the time, there's always an Erieite trying to break into a computer lab; the list can go on.
Let me tell you one redeemable factor about my school: the people. The friends I've met I feel like I've known for a long time. Through the 9 months I've been at school, I've encountered some pretty extraordinary people. I guess one thing about the students that surprised me the most was the diversity. I'm not necessarily talking about race or ethnicity. I'm talking about how my one best friend runs a fitness blog and my other best friend occasionally dresses up as a girl. My one friend had a baby. My other friend is from China. And somehow we all blend together. We all form a unified class; a student body. I look around at everyone at campus event and feel some weird sense of belonging somewhere. We all have different backgrounds, different stories, but we all come together to form something bigger than ourselves. We're going to graduate someday and shove off into the real world, but we'll all say "We're Gannon University's Class of 2016".
I guess this is coming from a feeling of alienation from my high school class. I had friends, but I never fit exactly into one group. I tried too hard for people to like me. Now, I'm in an area where I can be myself, and there are hundreds of people like me. It's something unfamiliar and comforting all at the same time.
The motto of my school is "Believe in the Possibilities". I interpret it as there's always the possibility that there's going to be a snowstorm in April, or an Erieite will break into the library again, or your RA busts you after visitation hours, but as long as you have people that understand you, that you can laugh with, or bitch with, you are always going to be just fine.
Let me tell you one redeemable factor about my school: the people. The friends I've met I feel like I've known for a long time. Through the 9 months I've been at school, I've encountered some pretty extraordinary people. I guess one thing about the students that surprised me the most was the diversity. I'm not necessarily talking about race or ethnicity. I'm talking about how my one best friend runs a fitness blog and my other best friend occasionally dresses up as a girl. My one friend had a baby. My other friend is from China. And somehow we all blend together. We all form a unified class; a student body. I look around at everyone at campus event and feel some weird sense of belonging somewhere. We all have different backgrounds, different stories, but we all come together to form something bigger than ourselves. We're going to graduate someday and shove off into the real world, but we'll all say "We're Gannon University's Class of 2016".
I guess this is coming from a feeling of alienation from my high school class. I had friends, but I never fit exactly into one group. I tried too hard for people to like me. Now, I'm in an area where I can be myself, and there are hundreds of people like me. It's something unfamiliar and comforting all at the same time.
The motto of my school is "Believe in the Possibilities". I interpret it as there's always the possibility that there's going to be a snowstorm in April, or an Erieite will break into the library again, or your RA busts you after visitation hours, but as long as you have people that understand you, that you can laugh with, or bitch with, you are always going to be just fine.
Friday, April 5, 2013
lol happiness
Tonight is one of those nights where I just stayed in and thought about everything. I realized that I have a really, really great life. I'm so blessed. I'm at a great school, I have people here that love me unconditionally, there seems to be no inner turmoil in my life so far. I have supportive parents who love me and pay for part of my education. My future career looks promising and rewarding. I have friends who aren't fake and flaky. I have a boyfriend who just makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I write for my school's blog. I have clothes, and water, and food, and friends, and (relatively) good health.
I guess it's just weird that I've been this happy for this long. The only stressful thing in my life is keeping up with school and extracurriculars. If that's the only true "hardship" in my life, I'm pretty thankful. Especially when I think about how unhappy I was last year at this time. I remember crying all the time and worrying about college. I remember coming home from closing at work, collapsing on the couch, and telling my parents "I wish I would die so I wouldn't have to become an adult".
Part of me is worried. It makes me think that something really bad is coming just around the corner, like a looming thunderstorm. I know there will be bumpy spots coming up, but hopefully this brief sunny period in my life will give me ways to cope with it.
I've always had a problem with living in the past-- "ruminating", as my psychopathology book calls it. I can't help but compare last year to this year. I know I've said it once before, but I don't think I've felt true happiness until this year at school. I've tasted little blurbs of it here and there during high school, but never an extended period of time like this. There was always something pulling me down.
I guess I'm writing this as something to look back on when things DO get bad. I want to remember how happy I was during my second semester of college, freshmen year. I want to remember the thrill of sneaking into the theater and playing hide and seek. I want to remember eating Malley's with Mary Stephens and talking about our boyfriends. I want to remember Initiation Night for Phi Sig and how hard I worked to wear those letters. I want to remember how I felt when Sean told me he loved me while he thought I was asleep. I want to store these little moments in a box and pull them out whenever I feel like it's just getting to be too much.
I guess it's just weird that I've been this happy for this long. The only stressful thing in my life is keeping up with school and extracurriculars. If that's the only true "hardship" in my life, I'm pretty thankful. Especially when I think about how unhappy I was last year at this time. I remember crying all the time and worrying about college. I remember coming home from closing at work, collapsing on the couch, and telling my parents "I wish I would die so I wouldn't have to become an adult".
Part of me is worried. It makes me think that something really bad is coming just around the corner, like a looming thunderstorm. I know there will be bumpy spots coming up, but hopefully this brief sunny period in my life will give me ways to cope with it.
I've always had a problem with living in the past-- "ruminating", as my psychopathology book calls it. I can't help but compare last year to this year. I know I've said it once before, but I don't think I've felt true happiness until this year at school. I've tasted little blurbs of it here and there during high school, but never an extended period of time like this. There was always something pulling me down.
I guess I'm writing this as something to look back on when things DO get bad. I want to remember how happy I was during my second semester of college, freshmen year. I want to remember the thrill of sneaking into the theater and playing hide and seek. I want to remember eating Malley's with Mary Stephens and talking about our boyfriends. I want to remember Initiation Night for Phi Sig and how hard I worked to wear those letters. I want to remember how I felt when Sean told me he loved me while he thought I was asleep. I want to store these little moments in a box and pull them out whenever I feel like it's just getting to be too much.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Thoughts While Driving On Lake Road
Over Easter, I had my boyfriend Sean come home with me for a couple of days. We hung out, met the family, saw the sights of the city, the usual.
It's funny, because I somehow ended up at all the same places as I did with my ex-boyfriend. We drove on the same roads, did the same couple-y things. There's this road where I live that drives right on the lake. I would drive up and down the road with Michael all the time; it was like a routine. We would drive to a park and go to the beach. It was on this very same road that I learned that Michael was cheating on me. My friend told me and at first I thought she was joking. I had to pull over into a church parking to stop myself from getting sick. I avoided Lake Road because of that memory.
And now, here I was, on this road with Sean. And I was so happy. I was so happy just driving and listening to music and kissing in between the stoplights. I thought I was happy in all my past relationships. I thought I needed to be exactly what a guy could ever want: a dream girl. I didn't realize how messed up my logic was: I would give everything to a guy, and he would in return treat me like dirt. It didn't even occur to me back then how fucked up that was. But, I was driving on this road with this guy that I haven't even been dating for that long, whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, as crazy as that sounds, and I wasn't wearing and makeup, and I was getting over a cold, and the radio was playing some 90's grunge song, and I. Was. So. Happy. Because. He. Was. There.
And then I started thinking about how funny it all is: how people can affect us so easily. Just because some kid I used to date cheated on me I avoided an entire road. Just because a guy holds my hand while I drive and sings along to the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio I feel like flying. It's just hard to explain.
At this point, I don't really know how to end this shitty ruminating blog post. I just felt like writing because I actually have some alone time in my dorm room. So I guess I'll just leave.
It's funny, because I somehow ended up at all the same places as I did with my ex-boyfriend. We drove on the same roads, did the same couple-y things. There's this road where I live that drives right on the lake. I would drive up and down the road with Michael all the time; it was like a routine. We would drive to a park and go to the beach. It was on this very same road that I learned that Michael was cheating on me. My friend told me and at first I thought she was joking. I had to pull over into a church parking to stop myself from getting sick. I avoided Lake Road because of that memory.
And now, here I was, on this road with Sean. And I was so happy. I was so happy just driving and listening to music and kissing in between the stoplights. I thought I was happy in all my past relationships. I thought I needed to be exactly what a guy could ever want: a dream girl. I didn't realize how messed up my logic was: I would give everything to a guy, and he would in return treat me like dirt. It didn't even occur to me back then how fucked up that was. But, I was driving on this road with this guy that I haven't even been dating for that long, whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, as crazy as that sounds, and I wasn't wearing and makeup, and I was getting over a cold, and the radio was playing some 90's grunge song, and I. Was. So. Happy. Because. He. Was. There.
And then I started thinking about how funny it all is: how people can affect us so easily. Just because some kid I used to date cheated on me I avoided an entire road. Just because a guy holds my hand while I drive and sings along to the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio I feel like flying. It's just hard to explain.
At this point, I don't really know how to end this shitty ruminating blog post. I just felt like writing because I actually have some alone time in my dorm room. So I guess I'll just leave.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
APO
I've written about this before, but I think I need to emphasize how much I love APO. I'm not a theater major, but I still actively participate in the arts at college because theater and music was a big chunk of what I did in high school. Tomorrow they're giving out bids. I think I'm more excited about this than I was for getting a bid for my sorority.
APO saved me from forgetting who I was. When I came to Gannon, I was completely lost. I was heartbroken, overwhelmed, and doomed to a college experience of monotony. Then, by some miracle, I found myself in Schuster Theatre, huddled on the inside of a washing machine with fake blood running down my legs. Fright Night, Schuster Theatre's Halloween haunted house, was the first night I felt home at Gannon. It's not even because I was performing. It was because I found people scarily similar to myself. People who understood the significance of Sweet Tea and french fries, tumblr, John Green novels, and the phrase "The angels have the phone booth". People who hated people and loved cats. People who had felt lonely and worthless and lost before. Without really knowing it, these people helped me heal.
I finished stage managing my first show a week ago. We had a very close knit cast, and we would often tweet funny things that happened during rehearsal. I think these rehearsals, although I complained about them a lot, were one of my favorite memories of my freshmen year. Being able to just act like a fool and not be judged is such a wonderful feeling.
Next year, I'm living with some APO members as well as Other Mary, a fellow APO pledge and my best friend on campus. I'm so happy I met Other Mary. I wish I could express how similar we are. Whenever we hang out we frequently say "Why are we the same person?" I'm excited to share a living space with her, pledge APO with her, and, most importantly, finally get her watching Doctor Who.
When I came to Gannon, I wasn't expecting a lot of things. I wasn't expecting to join a sorority, Phi Sigma Sigma. I wasn't expecting to meet Sean, someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. And I especially wasn't expecting to meet extraordinary friends in APO.
APO saved me from forgetting who I was. When I came to Gannon, I was completely lost. I was heartbroken, overwhelmed, and doomed to a college experience of monotony. Then, by some miracle, I found myself in Schuster Theatre, huddled on the inside of a washing machine with fake blood running down my legs. Fright Night, Schuster Theatre's Halloween haunted house, was the first night I felt home at Gannon. It's not even because I was performing. It was because I found people scarily similar to myself. People who understood the significance of Sweet Tea and french fries, tumblr, John Green novels, and the phrase "The angels have the phone booth". People who hated people and loved cats. People who had felt lonely and worthless and lost before. Without really knowing it, these people helped me heal.
I finished stage managing my first show a week ago. We had a very close knit cast, and we would often tweet funny things that happened during rehearsal. I think these rehearsals, although I complained about them a lot, were one of my favorite memories of my freshmen year. Being able to just act like a fool and not be judged is such a wonderful feeling.
Next year, I'm living with some APO members as well as Other Mary, a fellow APO pledge and my best friend on campus. I'm so happy I met Other Mary. I wish I could express how similar we are. Whenever we hang out we frequently say "Why are we the same person?" I'm excited to share a living space with her, pledge APO with her, and, most importantly, finally get her watching Doctor Who.
When I came to Gannon, I wasn't expecting a lot of things. I wasn't expecting to join a sorority, Phi Sigma Sigma. I wasn't expecting to meet Sean, someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. And I especially wasn't expecting to meet extraordinary friends in APO.
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