Tonight is one of those nights where I just stayed in and thought about everything. I realized that I have a really, really great life. I'm so blessed. I'm at a great school, I have people here that love me unconditionally, there seems to be no inner turmoil in my life so far. I have supportive parents who love me and pay for part of my education. My future career looks promising and rewarding. I have friends who aren't fake and flaky. I have a boyfriend who just makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I write for my school's blog. I have clothes, and water, and food, and friends, and (relatively) good health.
I guess it's just weird that I've been this happy for this long. The only stressful thing in my life is keeping up with school and extracurriculars. If that's the only true "hardship" in my life, I'm pretty thankful. Especially when I think about how unhappy I was last year at this time. I remember crying all the time and worrying about college. I remember coming home from closing at work, collapsing on the couch, and telling my parents "I wish I would die so I wouldn't have to become an adult".
Part of me is worried. It makes me think that something really bad is coming just around the corner, like a looming thunderstorm. I know there will be bumpy spots coming up, but hopefully this brief sunny period in my life will give me ways to cope with it.
I've always had a problem with living in the past-- "ruminating", as my psychopathology book calls it. I can't help but compare last year to this year. I know I've said it once before, but I don't think I've felt true happiness until this year at school. I've tasted little blurbs of it here and there during high school, but never an extended period of time like this. There was always something pulling me down.
I guess I'm writing this as something to look back on when things DO get bad. I want to remember how happy I was during my second semester of college, freshmen year. I want to remember the thrill of sneaking into the theater and playing hide and seek. I want to remember eating Malley's with Mary Stephens and talking about our boyfriends. I want to remember Initiation Night for Phi Sig and how hard I worked to wear those letters. I want to remember how I felt when Sean told me he loved me while he thought I was asleep. I want to store these little moments in a box and pull them out whenever I feel like it's just getting to be too much.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Thoughts While Driving On Lake Road
Over Easter, I had my boyfriend Sean come home with me for a couple of days. We hung out, met the family, saw the sights of the city, the usual.
It's funny, because I somehow ended up at all the same places as I did with my ex-boyfriend. We drove on the same roads, did the same couple-y things. There's this road where I live that drives right on the lake. I would drive up and down the road with Michael all the time; it was like a routine. We would drive to a park and go to the beach. It was on this very same road that I learned that Michael was cheating on me. My friend told me and at first I thought she was joking. I had to pull over into a church parking to stop myself from getting sick. I avoided Lake Road because of that memory.
And now, here I was, on this road with Sean. And I was so happy. I was so happy just driving and listening to music and kissing in between the stoplights. I thought I was happy in all my past relationships. I thought I needed to be exactly what a guy could ever want: a dream girl. I didn't realize how messed up my logic was: I would give everything to a guy, and he would in return treat me like dirt. It didn't even occur to me back then how fucked up that was. But, I was driving on this road with this guy that I haven't even been dating for that long, whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, as crazy as that sounds, and I wasn't wearing and makeup, and I was getting over a cold, and the radio was playing some 90's grunge song, and I. Was. So. Happy. Because. He. Was. There.
And then I started thinking about how funny it all is: how people can affect us so easily. Just because some kid I used to date cheated on me I avoided an entire road. Just because a guy holds my hand while I drive and sings along to the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio I feel like flying. It's just hard to explain.
At this point, I don't really know how to end this shitty ruminating blog post. I just felt like writing because I actually have some alone time in my dorm room. So I guess I'll just leave.
It's funny, because I somehow ended up at all the same places as I did with my ex-boyfriend. We drove on the same roads, did the same couple-y things. There's this road where I live that drives right on the lake. I would drive up and down the road with Michael all the time; it was like a routine. We would drive to a park and go to the beach. It was on this very same road that I learned that Michael was cheating on me. My friend told me and at first I thought she was joking. I had to pull over into a church parking to stop myself from getting sick. I avoided Lake Road because of that memory.
And now, here I was, on this road with Sean. And I was so happy. I was so happy just driving and listening to music and kissing in between the stoplights. I thought I was happy in all my past relationships. I thought I needed to be exactly what a guy could ever want: a dream girl. I didn't realize how messed up my logic was: I would give everything to a guy, and he would in return treat me like dirt. It didn't even occur to me back then how fucked up that was. But, I was driving on this road with this guy that I haven't even been dating for that long, whom I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, as crazy as that sounds, and I wasn't wearing and makeup, and I was getting over a cold, and the radio was playing some 90's grunge song, and I. Was. So. Happy. Because. He. Was. There.
And then I started thinking about how funny it all is: how people can affect us so easily. Just because some kid I used to date cheated on me I avoided an entire road. Just because a guy holds my hand while I drive and sings along to the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio I feel like flying. It's just hard to explain.
At this point, I don't really know how to end this shitty ruminating blog post. I just felt like writing because I actually have some alone time in my dorm room. So I guess I'll just leave.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
APO
I've written about this before, but I think I need to emphasize how much I love APO. I'm not a theater major, but I still actively participate in the arts at college because theater and music was a big chunk of what I did in high school. Tomorrow they're giving out bids. I think I'm more excited about this than I was for getting a bid for my sorority.
APO saved me from forgetting who I was. When I came to Gannon, I was completely lost. I was heartbroken, overwhelmed, and doomed to a college experience of monotony. Then, by some miracle, I found myself in Schuster Theatre, huddled on the inside of a washing machine with fake blood running down my legs. Fright Night, Schuster Theatre's Halloween haunted house, was the first night I felt home at Gannon. It's not even because I was performing. It was because I found people scarily similar to myself. People who understood the significance of Sweet Tea and french fries, tumblr, John Green novels, and the phrase "The angels have the phone booth". People who hated people and loved cats. People who had felt lonely and worthless and lost before. Without really knowing it, these people helped me heal.
I finished stage managing my first show a week ago. We had a very close knit cast, and we would often tweet funny things that happened during rehearsal. I think these rehearsals, although I complained about them a lot, were one of my favorite memories of my freshmen year. Being able to just act like a fool and not be judged is such a wonderful feeling.
Next year, I'm living with some APO members as well as Other Mary, a fellow APO pledge and my best friend on campus. I'm so happy I met Other Mary. I wish I could express how similar we are. Whenever we hang out we frequently say "Why are we the same person?" I'm excited to share a living space with her, pledge APO with her, and, most importantly, finally get her watching Doctor Who.
When I came to Gannon, I wasn't expecting a lot of things. I wasn't expecting to join a sorority, Phi Sigma Sigma. I wasn't expecting to meet Sean, someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. And I especially wasn't expecting to meet extraordinary friends in APO.
APO saved me from forgetting who I was. When I came to Gannon, I was completely lost. I was heartbroken, overwhelmed, and doomed to a college experience of monotony. Then, by some miracle, I found myself in Schuster Theatre, huddled on the inside of a washing machine with fake blood running down my legs. Fright Night, Schuster Theatre's Halloween haunted house, was the first night I felt home at Gannon. It's not even because I was performing. It was because I found people scarily similar to myself. People who understood the significance of Sweet Tea and french fries, tumblr, John Green novels, and the phrase "The angels have the phone booth". People who hated people and loved cats. People who had felt lonely and worthless and lost before. Without really knowing it, these people helped me heal.
I finished stage managing my first show a week ago. We had a very close knit cast, and we would often tweet funny things that happened during rehearsal. I think these rehearsals, although I complained about them a lot, were one of my favorite memories of my freshmen year. Being able to just act like a fool and not be judged is such a wonderful feeling.
Next year, I'm living with some APO members as well as Other Mary, a fellow APO pledge and my best friend on campus. I'm so happy I met Other Mary. I wish I could express how similar we are. Whenever we hang out we frequently say "Why are we the same person?" I'm excited to share a living space with her, pledge APO with her, and, most importantly, finally get her watching Doctor Who.
When I came to Gannon, I wasn't expecting a lot of things. I wasn't expecting to join a sorority, Phi Sigma Sigma. I wasn't expecting to meet Sean, someone who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. And I especially wasn't expecting to meet extraordinary friends in APO.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
No Ship Like Friendship
Have you ever thought you were destined to meet certain people? Like, by some miracle of God the stars aligned and you just got lucky and met really perfect people that love you and get all your weirdness and won't abandon you even when you get stressed out and bitchy?
That's kind of how I feel about my friends.
I like to help out with my school's drama fraternity, Alpha Psi Omega. I started way at the beginning of the year when a friend convinced me to help out with a haunted house that the group was hosting. It. Was. Such. A. Good. Idea. I finally met people who like all the same things as me, have tumblrs, and more importantly, have prime taste in music. For the first time since I came to Gannon, I truly felt at home. And it's not just because we all have this strange addiction to the internet and love of musical theater. I think we all get along so well because we've been through the same stuff. We've all been rejected. We've all felt like we were never good enough. We've all made stupid mistakes. There's this girl, Other Mary, who is literally me in every way possible. Not only do we share the same name, major, and obsession with Joseph Gordon Levitt, but we have the same sense of humor and we've been through similar situations.It's kind of scary how similar we are.
Then there's my friends at home. And by "at home" I mean "I see them during the summer" because one lives six hours away from me, one lives near Chicago, one lives in fucking New Zealand and the other two live back in Ohio.
They are probably the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. They've always been there for me, even when they're dealing with their own issues. These are the girls that understand me better than any therapist ever could. We don't get to see each other much anymore, but when we do get together, it's like we were never apart. I feel incredibly lucky anytime I get to hang out with one of them, even if it's just in the McDonald's parking lot eating a large fry and drinking Sweet Tea. I don't know how we all found each other and formed this weird group of the Six, but I'm so happy it happened.
"And it's been a long time since I've seen all my old friends/ But I really love my new friends/ I feel I've known them a long while"
That's kind of how I feel about my friends.
I like to help out with my school's drama fraternity, Alpha Psi Omega. I started way at the beginning of the year when a friend convinced me to help out with a haunted house that the group was hosting. It. Was. Such. A. Good. Idea. I finally met people who like all the same things as me, have tumblrs, and more importantly, have prime taste in music. For the first time since I came to Gannon, I truly felt at home. And it's not just because we all have this strange addiction to the internet and love of musical theater. I think we all get along so well because we've been through the same stuff. We've all been rejected. We've all felt like we were never good enough. We've all made stupid mistakes. There's this girl, Other Mary, who is literally me in every way possible. Not only do we share the same name, major, and obsession with Joseph Gordon Levitt, but we have the same sense of humor and we've been through similar situations.It's kind of scary how similar we are.
Then there's my friends at home. And by "at home" I mean "I see them during the summer" because one lives six hours away from me, one lives near Chicago, one lives in fucking New Zealand and the other two live back in Ohio.
They are probably the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. They've always been there for me, even when they're dealing with their own issues. These are the girls that understand me better than any therapist ever could. We don't get to see each other much anymore, but when we do get together, it's like we were never apart. I feel incredibly lucky anytime I get to hang out with one of them, even if it's just in the McDonald's parking lot eating a large fry and drinking Sweet Tea. I don't know how we all found each other and formed this weird group of the Six, but I'm so happy it happened.
"And it's been a long time since I've seen all my old friends/ But I really love my new friends/ I feel I've known them a long while"
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Things That Don't Suck
1. Sean is staying with me during spring break so I get to "live" with him for five days. I hope we don't run out of things to do. I hope we don't get sick of each other. Things with him are getting really serious, to the point where 1) my mom is letting him stay over for an extended period of time lol what, and 2) I actually can't imagine my life without him and he makes me happier than any other person on the planet. I'm really excited to hang out with him, just the two of us, during Easter break.
2. I have employment at school yay! I got a job writing for Gannon Edge aka I get PAID to blog asdfghjkkl (so what if it's only 2 hours a week money is money).
3. Sorority new member period is ending soon so I will be less stressed.
4. Fringe show is ending soon so I will be less stressed. Remember when I thought it was a good idea to stage manage a show? hahahahah. no.
5. I'm doing better in school than I thought I was. Still not up to par, but good enough to keep my parents from constantly guilt tripping me about my scholarship and how I'm one B- away from losing it.
6. I have multiple job offers for the summer that don't include fast food restaurants. YES.
So this is finally the high point. Thank God. I've been so stressed lately and feeling anxious about everything. I just have to survive one more stressful week and then I will be free. I got this.
2. I have employment at school yay! I got a job writing for Gannon Edge aka I get PAID to blog asdfghjkkl (so what if it's only 2 hours a week money is money).
3. Sorority new member period is ending soon so I will be less stressed.
4. Fringe show is ending soon so I will be less stressed. Remember when I thought it was a good idea to stage manage a show? hahahahah. no.
5. I'm doing better in school than I thought I was. Still not up to par, but good enough to keep my parents from constantly guilt tripping me about my scholarship and how I'm one B- away from losing it.
6. I have multiple job offers for the summer that don't include fast food restaurants. YES.
So this is finally the high point. Thank God. I've been so stressed lately and feeling anxious about everything. I just have to survive one more stressful week and then I will be free. I got this.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Sean
I could do the typical girlfriend thing and make Sean a heartfelt card for Valentine's Day, OR I could do the bad ass nerdy girlfriend thing and write a blog post about him and make it so the whole world can see how much I care about him. So, yes, obviously I'll do the latter.
Sean and I met way back during first semester, at a party where I was still heartbroken over an ex. And when I am feeling heartbroken, I wear my Heartbreaker bra, some kind of sequined top, and scrounge around for alcohol on a Saturday night. So when I met Sean, needless to say, I was not in the right frame of mind. Neither was he. We met at a frat party, and slowly trickled our way to the campus McDonald's (classy), where we feasted upon fries. We sat on the picnic bench outside and talked about the Pixies, 80's music, that drunk Asian chick who made out with a telephone pole, and our friends. By the end of the night, he tried to stick his tongue down my throat, to which I responded with a "NONONONONONONONONO" and a dash for my residence hall.
The night we met certainly wasn't that romantic, but everything else from that moment on was. We talked constantly, hung out CONSTANTLY, had real talk heart-to-hearts, but didn't want to admit we were dating. Correction: I didn't want to admit we were dating (See above: ex boyfriend). Here's the kicker and the really shocking/ enduring part: Sean waited. He waited for me to get over my douchebag ex. He understood that I didn't want to rush into anything. He never pressured me, never complained. He got me a birthday present, and a card that I keep on my nightstand at home, and we weren't even dating. Eventually, the dreaded Define The Relationship Talk surfaced it's ugly face from the Ocean of Ambiguity (which, also, took place at a party. God dammit. We are classy) and we decided, screw it, let's try this dating thing already. So we decided to become a couple. And it's probably one of the best decisions I've ever made.
He's really great. It's strange being with someone who actually listens to and knows every little thing about you. With Sean everything is different. He's with me on my good days and my bad days. He takes pride in my accomplishments, like getting into Phi Sig. He sends me goodnight texts, even though we just saw each other minutes before we went to bed. He watches stupid Youtube videos with me, and we quote them together. He gets me Doctor Who stuff, even though he has no idea what the fuck he's buying or why I'm so excited when I receive it. He lets me see the video games he's designing. He brings me McFlurries when I'm feeling sick. He kisses my forehead. He wants to adopt a fish together. He shares the blankets. He calls me beautiful. He says he loves me, and it's the first time anyone has told me that and I believe them. There's more, but, unfortunately, I would be writing all night if I had to continue.
So, Seaners, Happy Valentine's Day. I'm making this a link of my tumblr, so I know you'll check it, because you creep on it every other day. I honestly don't know what I would do without you. You're kind of my everything. I love you so much.
Yeeeeeeeeeee,
MK
Sean and I met way back during first semester, at a party where I was still heartbroken over an ex. And when I am feeling heartbroken, I wear my Heartbreaker bra, some kind of sequined top, and scrounge around for alcohol on a Saturday night. So when I met Sean, needless to say, I was not in the right frame of mind. Neither was he. We met at a frat party, and slowly trickled our way to the campus McDonald's (classy), where we feasted upon fries. We sat on the picnic bench outside and talked about the Pixies, 80's music, that drunk Asian chick who made out with a telephone pole, and our friends. By the end of the night, he tried to stick his tongue down my throat, to which I responded with a "NONONONONONONONONO" and a dash for my residence hall.
The night we met certainly wasn't that romantic, but everything else from that moment on was. We talked constantly, hung out CONSTANTLY, had real talk heart-to-hearts, but didn't want to admit we were dating. Correction: I didn't want to admit we were dating (See above: ex boyfriend). Here's the kicker and the really shocking/ enduring part: Sean waited. He waited for me to get over my douchebag ex. He understood that I didn't want to rush into anything. He never pressured me, never complained. He got me a birthday present, and a card that I keep on my nightstand at home, and we weren't even dating. Eventually, the dreaded Define The Relationship Talk surfaced it's ugly face from the Ocean of Ambiguity (which, also, took place at a party. God dammit. We are classy) and we decided, screw it, let's try this dating thing already. So we decided to become a couple. And it's probably one of the best decisions I've ever made.
He's really great. It's strange being with someone who actually listens to and knows every little thing about you. With Sean everything is different. He's with me on my good days and my bad days. He takes pride in my accomplishments, like getting into Phi Sig. He sends me goodnight texts, even though we just saw each other minutes before we went to bed. He watches stupid Youtube videos with me, and we quote them together. He gets me Doctor Who stuff, even though he has no idea what the fuck he's buying or why I'm so excited when I receive it. He lets me see the video games he's designing. He brings me McFlurries when I'm feeling sick. He kisses my forehead. He wants to adopt a fish together. He shares the blankets. He calls me beautiful. He says he loves me, and it's the first time anyone has told me that and I believe them. There's more, but, unfortunately, I would be writing all night if I had to continue.
So, Seaners, Happy Valentine's Day. I'm making this a link of my tumblr, so I know you'll check it, because you creep on it every other day. I honestly don't know what I would do without you. You're kind of my everything. I love you so much.
Yeeeeeeeeeee,
MK
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Sorority Life
I hate girls, dressing up when it's -8 degrees outside, and constantly being judged. So what a better thing for me to go through than SPRING RECRUITMENT RUSH WEEKEND YAAAAAY!
Originally, I had never wanted to go into a sorority. The whole idea seemed dumb to me. You're just paying for friends and shitty vodka mixers, right? At least that's what I thought. Then, I started being excluded and ignored from my group of friends at school. Maybe it's because I don't like going out and getting shitfaced. Maybe it's because I (by some miracle of God) have a boyfriend. For whatever reason, I was being left out and felt lonelier and more depressed than I did at the beginning of the semester.
Then I met the Phi Sigs. THEY'RE. SO. COOL.They're all so different, but they get along. There's Harry Potter fans, lesbians, stoner girls, straightedge girls, fat girls, skinny girls, atheists, Christians, Jews, black, white, Asian, you name it. And they're all so welcoming. I knew from the first night of recruitment that I wanted to be with them.
My days were filled with "I'm Mary Kate. I'm an OT major from Cleveland" and trudging from sorority house to sorority house in heels. But it was SO worth it. By the end of the weekend, I bonded with the girls from Phi Sigma Sigma. I heard some of their stories: how they were lost when they first came to college, how their ex-boyfriends treated them like dirt, how they felt excluded and different from the rest of the school. And that's when it hit me: I belong here. It's not just about friends and t-shirts with Greek letters on them. You are bonded to your sisters because, essentially, they're all like little pieces of you. The more you love them, the more you love yourself. You heal each other. You help each other. And that's what I really want and need
When Phi Sig offered me a bid, I immediately accepted. My hands were shaking as I signed the sheet of paper. I went to Bid Night and felt at home and welcomed by my sisters. I'm just at New Member status for now, but I can already tell this is one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I can't wait until I get to wear my Phi Sigma Sigma letters with pride. It's only been a week since I've joined the sisterhood, and I already feel completely at home.
Until next time...
Originally, I had never wanted to go into a sorority. The whole idea seemed dumb to me. You're just paying for friends and shitty vodka mixers, right? At least that's what I thought. Then, I started being excluded and ignored from my group of friends at school. Maybe it's because I don't like going out and getting shitfaced. Maybe it's because I (by some miracle of God) have a boyfriend. For whatever reason, I was being left out and felt lonelier and more depressed than I did at the beginning of the semester.
Then I met the Phi Sigs. THEY'RE. SO. COOL.They're all so different, but they get along. There's Harry Potter fans, lesbians, stoner girls, straightedge girls, fat girls, skinny girls, atheists, Christians, Jews, black, white, Asian, you name it. And they're all so welcoming. I knew from the first night of recruitment that I wanted to be with them.
My days were filled with "I'm Mary Kate. I'm an OT major from Cleveland" and trudging from sorority house to sorority house in heels. But it was SO worth it. By the end of the weekend, I bonded with the girls from Phi Sigma Sigma. I heard some of their stories: how they were lost when they first came to college, how their ex-boyfriends treated them like dirt, how they felt excluded and different from the rest of the school. And that's when it hit me: I belong here. It's not just about friends and t-shirts with Greek letters on them. You are bonded to your sisters because, essentially, they're all like little pieces of you. The more you love them, the more you love yourself. You heal each other. You help each other. And that's what I really want and need
When Phi Sig offered me a bid, I immediately accepted. My hands were shaking as I signed the sheet of paper. I went to Bid Night and felt at home and welcomed by my sisters. I'm just at New Member status for now, but I can already tell this is one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I can't wait until I get to wear my Phi Sigma Sigma letters with pride. It's only been a week since I've joined the sisterhood, and I already feel completely at home.
Until next time...
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